My Essay Blog

Most people are familiar with the phrase “thoughts become things,” and in a manner of speaking that is true. However, the more accurate way to explain that concept would be to say that thoughts become emotions.

Emotions in turn drive the machine of your life that creates the things that you think about. The fact that emotions need to be part of the equation is easily verified by thinking back to any time in your life whenever you thought long and hard about having or doing something, but those thoughts never manifested into whatever it was that you were thinking about. For example:

• Many people think very often about having enough money to enjoy certain material possessions or experiences.

• Almost all people give considerable thought to weight loss, physical fitness, or their overall health.

• The majority of people also spend plenty of time thinking about satisfying romantic or other social relationships.

However, despite the massive amount of thought that is dedicated to some or all of those things, it is often the case that we do not have the level of success in those areas that we desire.

The reason for that is because we do not have the appropriate emotional attachment to the things that we want to bring into our lives. When giving thought to the things that we want, more is not necessarily better, since emotionless thoughts have no real power, no matter how many times we think them.

However, a consistent thought about something that also evokes a positive emotional response from you almost always serves to ultimately bring that thing into your life.

In order to illustrate this concept, simply think back to any job interview, health improvement program, date, or other social situation that you were involved in that you felt very positive and confident about. In most if not all of those situations, one of two things happened:

1) You attained or enjoyed the experience of whatever it was you felt positive about, or

2) You realized after the fact that you didn’t really want it after all.

By feeling positive and confident about attaining something, you put yourself in charge of the outcome, as opposed to how a lack of confidence will tend to make you feel powerless to get what you want out of any given situation.

You need to be honest with yourself, however, when considering whether or not you truly feel positive and confident about attaining something. Strongly desiring something does not equate to feeling positive or confident about acquiring it. Everyone wants whatever they consider to be financial, health, or social success, but actually believing that we will attain it is another matter entirely.

It is this difference between giving a high quantity of thought to something vs. giving a high quality of thought to something that is ultimately the deciding factor in whether or not we attain it.

High quality thoughts about something are thoughts that evoke a consistent positive emotional response in relation to that thing. These thoughts fill you with the belief that &ndash sooner or later &ndash you will attain whatever it is that you are thinking about.

Compare that to the thoughts that most people have about attaining their desires. You will see that often people’s thoughts about their dreams tend to evoke negative, disempowering emotional responses, such as doubt, fear, uncertainty, concern, lack of confidence, etc.

Rarely in history has anything of note been accomplished by someone thinking of how scared they were about whether or not it was actually going to happen. Disempowering thoughts such as fear do not tend to manifest positive results.

That is not to say that fear or similar feelings are not part of the process, because often they are. However, they are used only as tools to bolster the confidence and belief level of the person involved, as squashing disempowering feelings has the immediate effect of causing us to feel empowered! If you have ever faced down a fear, then you know this to be true.

The bottom line solution to using the power of your emotions as the fuel for self improvement is to make a conscious recognition of how you feel about something that you want to accomplish.

If the thought of improving your finances, your health, your social life, or any other area of your life causes you to feel anything other than positive and confident, you must embrace the fact that you have mental roadblocks that need to be cleared before you will achieve success in that area.

Those roadblocks can then be cleared by engaging in whatever activity will eliminate those negative feelings. That may include getting educated about what it will take to accomplish your goal, it may mean practicing affirmations or visualizations, it might involve doing research on the topic, hiring a professional to help you, or even something as simple as voicing the disempowering belief to yourself.

Once the dark things in our subconscious are brought into the light, they are often seen to have very little actual power over us, if any at all. Ferret out your negative, disempowering beliefs by being 100% truthful with yourself about how you feel about something that you want to attain.

Once you have recognized whatever it is that is causing your negative feelings, drag it kicking and screaming into the light, eliminate it, and you will leave yourself with nothing but positive and confident feelings about your ability to succeed. Then you will do exactly that!

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others’ feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.

If we truly accepted our helplessness over others, would we continue to get angry at them? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice instead of honest? If we truly accepted our helplessness over whether others loved us and accepted us, would we work so hard to prove our worth to others?

Sometimes - because we often manage to have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval - we may confuse approval with love and think we can have control over getting love. But love is always a gift freely given with no strings attached. We may receive attention and approval when we try to control getting love from another, but that is generally short-lived and not fulfilling.

Moving beyond our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame (the belief that we are inherently bad, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough), happens easily and naturally once we fully accept our helplessness over others’ intention to be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental. Our core shame is one of our deepest, oldest false beliefs and one of our oldest protections against our feelings of helplessness. Our shame gives us the illusion of power over others: that is, we tell ourselves that if we are not being loved because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have control over getting the love we want. Believing in our core shame allows us to believe that we cause others to be unloving to us, that it is our fault when others are unloving because we are not good enough. It takes us out of the truth of our helplessness and into a sense of control - if only we change ourselves we can then change others. This illusion of control over other people’s feelings about us is difficult for most people to give up.

Paradoxically, accepting our helplessness over others leads us to our personal power. Once we fully accept that we cannot have control over others loving us and taking care of us, we may then finally decide to learn how to take care of our own feelings and needs.. This major step moves us out of being victims of others’ choices and into control over our own lives, which is what we do have control over. We do have control over our own intent to learn about loving ourselves and others, or protect against pain with some from of controlling behavior. You will feel incredibly empowered once you fully accept your helplessness over others. Try it! For one week, try throughout the day reminding yourself that you are helpless over others’ feelings and behavior. You will be astounded at the results!

Once you accept your helplessness over others, then lots of energy is released to take care of yourself. Many of us have been taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. Contrary to taking care of yourself being selfish, taking care of your own feelings and needs is what personal responsibility is all about. As long as you make others responsible for your feelings of worth and lovability, you will try to control how others treat you and feel about you. As soon as you take responsibility for defining your own worth and lovability and taking care of your own feelings and needs, you move out of being a victim and into personal power.

The challenge is to accept our helplessness over others. This is often difficult, because as infants, if we were helpless over getting someone to feed us and attend to us, we would have died. Many of us went through the terror of crying and crying and no one coming to love and care for us. Many of us experienced that life-threatening experience of helplessness over getting others to take care of our needs. We became deeply terrified of the feeling of helplessness and learned to do anything we could to avoid that feeling and that situation.

The problem is that we do not realize that today we are no longer helpless over ourselves as we were as infants. We will not die of someone doesn’t attend to us. We can feed ourselves and call a friend for help if we need it. Yet many people still react to the feeling of helplessness over others as if it were a life and death situation. Many people still do anything they can to avoid feeling helpless, including controlling others or shutting out our feelings with addictive behavior. How often have you found yourself grazing in front of the refrigerator, turning on the TV, grabbing a cigarette without even realizing you were doing it? Often, this addictive behavior is a way to avoid the feeling of helplessness that may have come up in an interaction with someone, or as a way to avoid responsibility for taking care of your own feelings and needs.

The first step in moving beyond controlling and addictive behavior is to be willing to become aware of the feeling of helplessness. Once you are aware of what it feels like in your body, embrace the feeling as you would embrace a small child who is feeling scared. As you bring love to the feeling of helplessness within you rather than avoiding it with controlling and addictive behavior, you will discover that it isn’t as bad as you thought. If you are willing to open to the love that surrounds you in Spirit and bring that love inside to the part of you that feels helpless, this frightened wounded part that just wants to be loved begins to get healed. The more you practice embracing helplessness rather than avoiding it, the more you will move out of being a victim and into your personal power and ability to love yourself and others.

You’ll find that most people are in some way irrational, even superstitious. They may be “superficially” superstitious and base their behaviors on things that have no basis in reality. They may be literally superstitious and think that some action or inaction will irrationally effect their desired results.

Uncovering someones irrational belief is easier that you might think. Simply observe and you’ll see it.

You can also test it out.

What would happen if you could uncover their irrational belief and use it as a tool to drive their thoughts and actions? You would be using their “map” of the world to influence them. That’s true mind control.

To influence someone in this way, it’s important to just assume that people have some irrational fear, belief or superstition. Then uncovering those fears, beliefs and superstitions is all a matter of just observing and asking yourself “Does this persons response have a logical origin?” What you’ll find is that answer is almost always “No.”

Most people will in fact behave according to events based on automatic reactions that are completely irrational. They often do this because that reaction has worked for them in the past… sometimes only ONCE, but it’s enough for them to conclude that it’s the best response they have.

Other people will be more overt with their superstitions and demonstrate what Karl Jung called a “complex” in which strong emotions are triggered automatically as if they were programmed to respond this way by trauma. Guess what? It’s very likely they were!

Begin to look at peoples behaviors and run them through the “irrational belief” filter and you’ll see just how often this behavior occurs.

You can test it by simply asking their opinion in a “what would do” type of fashion. Most people love to believe that you value their opinions and will tell you eagerly.

To take advantage of this new information see what you can do to use it to influence them your way. You can do this by presenting them an two options one of which would trigger this irrational belief.

In most cases it’s always best to only point out the irrational belief to them as a last resort of influencing them.

Regardless of how you use this new insight you’ll always seem much wiser than you are if you act unaffected and “above it all” as if you are wise, compassionate and filled great wisdom based on a rich life experience.

It’s almost that time of year again &ndash New Year Resolutions! Millions of people around the world are vowing to lose weight, quit smoking, stick to a budget, and more. How many will actually follow through with these changes? Probably not many. Have you done this before? Have you made promises to yourself and not kept them? You are not alone. Why does it seem so easy to make changes in our lives, until we actually begin to do the work?

Change is hard. Most of us don’t stop to think about that when we set goals. We start out filled with passion, fire and excitement. We feel invincible and know we can accomplish whatever we desire. We see the glorious outcome of our desires shining before us, and we are determined to make it happen. Then we begin to encounter obstacles along the way. We may struggle halfheartedly through a few of them, but eventually we find ourselves making excuses, procrastinating and losing interest in those same goals we were so excited about before. What happened?

Goal setting involves much more than making a promise to do something. We need to equip ourselves with the right tools and mindset to ensure our success. There are several things we need to think about before we set goals:

Why? &ndash What is your reason for wanting this particular outcome? It’s lofty to want to lose weight or quit smoking, but if you don’t have a clear, strong reason for wanting to do so, you will have no passion to fuel your efforts. What will you gain by making these changes in your life? What will you gain by not making changes? Oh yes, you are gaining something by keeping your bad habits around, or else you would have gotten rid of them long before now. Understand that, and acknowledge it. Be honest with yourself. Be clear about what you really want. Let’s say you want to quit smoking because you want to live a healthier life. Why? What will that do for you? It will improve your quality of life. Okay, why is that important to you? Keep asking yourself “why”, until you get to the “meat” of your desire. Be sure you understand exactly why these goals are important to you, and write it down. You will want to read it over and over again, especially when you feel your resolve crumbling.

Action Goals vs. Results Goals &ndash Most of us make the mistake of setting results-oriented goals, rather than action goals. This is an important distinction. Setting a goal to lose thirty pounds is not a goal at all. It is an outcome. The goal should be to exercise and eat right &ndash which will result in the loss of weight. We need to treat the problem, not the symptom. Make a note of the outcome you want, and then make a list of the actions that will get you there. Then make the actions your goal. Be specific. Rather than setting a goal to “lose weight”, decide how, when, how often, and for how long you will exercise each day. Decide what foods you will eat (or not eat), and how much of them. Set realistic and specific daily goals, and reward yourself when you accomplish them. Each day is an opportunity for victory.

Believe You Deserve It &ndash Many of us struggle with low self-esteem, and feel we don’t really deserve success. Unfortunately, if we don’t believe we deserve it, we will resist it when it arrives. We may do this unconsciously by sabotaging our own efforts, or we may outright refuse to even try. We must first understand and then truly believe that we do deserve success and happiness. In addition, we must be consciously open to receiving it. We’re so good at giving to others, but many of us won’t accept help or blessings for ourselves. Be willing to believe that you deserve to be successful and happy. Then be willing to accept that success when it arrives. Give yourself the gift of better health, inner peace, more organization, a better job &ndash whatever you are striving for in setting your goals. Affirm aloud to the universe each day, “I joyfully accept all of the abundance and success the universe has for me, NOW.” Remember that the more abundance you have, the more you will be able to help others also.

Commitment &ndash One of the greatest secrets of success is simply not giving up. When we look at successful people, they seem to have it so easy. What we usually don’t see are the years of hard work, dedication and commitment that got them to where they are today. Many of them struggled through massive obstacles and setbacks, sometimes having to start all over again repeatedly. Are you that committed to your goals? Will you persevere no matter what? Make a promise to yourself that you will continue working toward your goals, even if you aren’t seeing the progress you hoped for. Be willing to work hard and continue working hard, even when &ndash especially when &ndash the going gets rough. When obstacles arise, fuel your persistence with positive thoughts and keep moving forward. Let your determination glow hot and bright, and burn away all doubts and fears. Don’t beat yourself up if you make mistakes, simply get up and begin moving forward again.

Patience - Forming new habits takes time and practice. The good news is that countless people have proven it can be done. If they can do it, you can do it too. Give it your best effort, but don’t expect perfection from yourself. You may stumble and fall; you may grow weary of the battle. However, remember that anything worthwhile takes effort. Your goals and dreams are worth fighting for, no matter how fierce the battle, no matter how long it takes.

Most importantly, believe in yourself. Believe that you have the skills, ability and determination to make your dreams come true. That, above all else, will guarantee your success.

When most people think of Self Improvement Courses, what comes to mind is usually basic information that’s not particularly interesting or beneficial. But there’s a lot more to Self Improvement Courses than just the basics.

Introduction

If selected properly, your life can tremendously change for the better with a self improvement course. Look for the course that offers the right self improvement plan to serve you and the support systems to help you change. The self improvement course should teach you how to outline what you want, how to set up a realistic plan to achieve your goals and how to train your mind to work with your subconscious so that you get results.

Always opt for the self improvement course that suits you and interests you. Grab one or two programs so you always have the right tools for the right challenge in life. Basically, the self improvement course educates you on how to unlearn negative attitudes and prejudice that society places on you, and helps you to be able to pursue your dreams and goals without fear or embarrassment. The course intends to help you regain control of your life and health. With the self improvement course, you can be what you want to be, notwithstanding what you are and you have been.

Go for a self improvement course that offers you the following:

The program content - Must be able to help you improve your mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional awareness.

Powerful tools and exercises - To draw out your inner wisdom.

If you base what you do on inaccurate information, you might be unpleasantly surprised by the consequences. Make sure you get the whole Self Improvement Courses story from informed sources.

Fundamental skills - Must be able to put together a firm foundation for your life with goals, time management, and inspiration. All this would bring more control and focus into your life.

Personal development awareness programs - Must make you understand yourself and how life goes on. It should be able to put together your self-esteem, inner power, discipline, and self worth with the personal development awareness programs.

Open to a superior control - Must be able to find more significance, rationale and joy in life.

24×7 email support - Must provide 24×7 email or online support to keep you disciplined, focused, and motivated.

Convincing - Must convince you that increasing your self-awareness can change your life and that you can accomplish it with the course..

Apart from the above, the self improvement course must be able to improve your total personality. That includes spoken skills, i.e., communication skills, presentation, manners, dress sense, etc., so that you could feel better and accomplish your goals.

The self improvement course, in the end, would eliminate pressure from your life and replace it with self-confidence, improve your self-esteem, eliminate a negative approach towards family and friends and substitute them with feelings of love. This can make you a more complete human being.

Is there really any information about Self Improvement Courses that is nonessential? We all see things from different angles, so something relatively insignificant to one may be crucial to another.

Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about.

Randall is an extremely intelligent man, but in some ways he was using his own intelligence against himself. The problem was that when Randall did have those brief moments of true connection, he immediately went into his mind to try to figure out how it happened. The moment he went into his mind, he lost the connection that he so desperately desired.

The reason Randall went into his mind was that, as much as he wanted the joy of deep spiritual connection, he wanted something even more than that - control over that connection. Randall’s ego wounded self believed that he could control the connection with Spirit with his intellect - if only he could figure it out then he could control it. The last thing Randall wanted to do, which is what is necessary to connect with Spirit, is to surrender his thinking. Randall was deeply addicted to thinking as a way to not feel his inner experience. Thinking was his way of controlling his painful feelings, such as his aloneness, loneliness, and helplessness over others and over his spiritual connection.

Many us of are addicted to thinking. We believe if we can just figure things out we can control others and the outcome of things. We want to control how people feel about us and treat us by saying just the right thing - so we have to think about it over and over to discover the right thing to say. This is called “ruminating.” Ruminating is obsessively thinking about something over and over in the hopes of finally coming up with the “right” answer, the right thing to say, the right way to be to have control over others and the outcome of things. Ruminating is also a way to have control over our own painful feelings, which is what addictions are all about.

In my work with Randall, he would immediately go into his head and analyze what was happening in the session the minute feelings came up. Over and over I would bring him out of his head and into his body, into his feelings. His feelings were so terrifying to him that he could only stay with his feelings for a few moments before he was back into his head - explaining, figuring out, intellectualizing. He was so terrified of the soul loneliness and aloneness he felt that he had learned to avoid these feelings with his mind. Yet until Randall was willing to feel his painful feelings, which had been there since childhood, he couldn’t stay out of his head. As long as his intent was to control his pain rather than learn from it, he would not be able to move into the spiritual connection he so desired.

The purpose of all of our addictions are to avoid pain, especially the deep soul loneliness that we all feel in this society. The problem is that our disconnection from our feelings - which is our Inner Child - creates aloneness as well. Our feeling self, our Inner Child, is left alone inside with no one to attend to the painful feelings. It is only when our desire is to learn about how we may be causing our own painful feelings that we open to our inner experience. Our desire to learn also opens the door to our spiritual connection, which we cannot feel when our intent is to avoid pain with our various addictions.

It took Randall many months to be willing to feel his painful feelings, but he discovered that when he finally had the courage to feel them, it was not as bad as he thought. In fact, when he was no longer abandoning his Inner Child by going into his addictive thinking, he no longer felt alone within. Connecting with himself allowed him to connect with Spirit more and more of the time. Rather than getting there through thinking and trying to control it, he was getting there by being present in the moment with his inner experience - surrendering to the moment. Randall found that while he could not control others and the outcome of things, he actually did have control over his misery - by choosing the intent to learn rather than protecting against pain. While he couldn’t control Spirit, he did have control his own intent, which eventually led to his being able to connect with Spirit.

All of us would love to have personal power &ndash the power to manifest our dreams, the power to remain calm and loving in the face of fear, the power to stay centered in ourselves in the face of attack.

Our society often confuses personal power - “power within” - with “power over,” which is about controlling others. There is a vast difference between personal power and control.

Personal power comes from an inner sense of security, from knowing who you are in your soul, from having defined your own intrinsic worth. It is the power that flows through you when you are connected to and feel your oneness with a spiritual source of guidance. It is the power that is the eventual result of doing deep inner emotional and spiritual work to heal the fears and false beliefs acquired in childhood.

Without this inner work to heal the beliefs that create our limitations, we are stuck in our egos, our wounded selves. The very basis of the ego is the desire for control, for power over others and outcomes.

Our ego is the self we created to attempt to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. We created our ego self in our attempt to protect ourselves from the losses we fear &ndash loss of self, loss of other, loss of security, loss of face. As children, when we didn’t get the love we needed, we decided that our true Self must be unlovable. In our attempt to feel safe, we buried our true Self and created the false self &ndash the ego, our wounded self. The ego self then went about learning how to feel safe through trying to control others and outcomes. The ego believes that having control over how people see us and feel about us, as well as over the outcome of things, will give us the safety we seek.

Even if you do manage to have some control through anger, criticism, judgment, or money, this will never give you personal power. This will never fill you with peace and joy and an inner sense of safety. Control may give you a momentary sense of safety, but it will never give you the deep sense of safety that comes from knowing your intrinsic worth, the worth of your soul. As long as your safety and worth are being defined by externals which can be temporary &ndash your money, your looks, your performance, your power over others &ndash you will feel anxious. We feel anxious when we attach our worth and happiness to temporal things rather than to eternal qualities, such as caring, compassion, and kindness.

For example, Walter is a man who has tremendous power over others but no personal power. Walter has made millions as the president of a large investment company. He has a lovely wife, three grown children, and two beautiful homes. Yet Walter is often anxious. He worries about losing his money. He is easily triggered into anger when things don’t go his way and people don’t behave in the way he wants. Because his heart is not open, he is a lonely man.

Walter operates totally out of his ego self, believing that having control through anger and money will bring him the happiness and safety he seeks. Yet he has achieved everything he believed would bring him happiness and safety and what he feels most of the time is anxious and lonely. Walter is empty inside. He has no sense of his true Self, no sense of the beauty within him, no sense of his lovability and intrinsic worth. His life is based on externals rather then on the spiritual values of love, compassion, honesty and kindness.

Personal power comes from embracing spiritual values rather than just earthly values. It comes from making love, kindness and compassion &ndash toward oneself and others &ndash more important than power over others. It comes from doing the inner work necessary to allow the soul to have dominion over the body, rather than allowing the animal instincts of fight or flight &ndash the instincts of the body &ndash to have dominion over our choices. When the soul has dominion over the body, you have the power to manifest your dreams, to stay centered in the face of attack, to remain loving in the face of fear. When the soul has dominion over the body, you have tremendous personal power.

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a “nice guy” and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn’t realize is that his niceness was really a “pull” on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.

Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.

Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany’s fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack’s fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany’s behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than “nice” to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, “Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I’d rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn’t feel good.”

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

Free hypnosis scripts are a cheap way to help to reprogram your sub conscious mind. With free hypnosis scripts, you can reduce stress, improve your confidence and lose weight.

Free hypnosis scripts are just as effective as paid ones, putting your body into a relaxed state, which allows you to explore places in your sub conscious that other wise would be un-reachable.

The natives called this a spiritual journey. To reach this inner place, the natives would to great lengths. The Natives would go out alone, not eat and even go as far as inflicting bodily harm upon themselves to reach this inner place.

The Christians use prayer to reach a deep place within their subconscious. Letting God be a catalyst to their inner self.

The Buddhist reached this place by calming themselves, and meditating for long periods of time.

In modern times, science has found more effective ways to reach this place without religion or self injury. Sit yourself down in a comfortable chair with a warm coffee and a blanket on a cold day or an ice tea beside a fan on a warm one. Relax, take a deep breath and let your troubles slip in the abyss.

Let your imagination run wild. See the words as they enter your mind. As you read the free hypnosis script, let yourself become entranced by it. Let the script tell your sub conscious a story, a story about how things could be done. Slowly you will feel the chances creeping into you, becoming part of you.

A free hypnosis script could be a great thing for a new couple or a new couple who is looking to try new things. Hypnosis could be a way to spend time and relax together or it could be used as an introduction to role playing. Hypnosis and role playing can revive a relationship, those who play together, stay together.

Clutter is a big problem for many people. At a lecture that I gave, I asked for a show of hands regarding how many people had problems with clutter and disorganization. I was surprised to find that at least half the people raised their hands.

One of my clients told me that she was trying to help her sister get back on her feet after her sister had been laid up with an illness and lost her job. Her sister’s house had always been a mess, and had become so filled with clutter that there was no place to walk or sit. My client, Rebecca, offered to buy her sister a car if she would clean up her house. Rebecca even offered to help her sister clean up the house. Rebecca was shocked when her sister refused the offer, even though she desperately needed the car. He sister was unwilling to get rid of the clutter.

Why? Why was the “stuff” so important to her?

Underneath all addictions lies fear - of emptiness, helplessness, loneliness and aloneness. Addictions are a way to feel safe from feeling these difficult and painful feelings, and an addiction to clutter is no exception. It’s all about having a sense of control over feeling safe. Clutter, like all addictions, provides a momentary feeling of comfort. However, as with any addiction, the clutterer needs more and more clutter to maintain the illusion of safety and comfort.

When my mother died and my son was cleaning out her house, he discovered huge amounts of clutter. While my mother’s house always looked neat and clean, the cupboards and drawers were filled with clutter. My son told me he found 6 broken hair dryers in one cabinet. Why would my mother want to keep six broken hair dryers?

My mother grew up during the depression and always had a fear of not having enough. No matter how much she accumulated materially, she never felt that she had enough. The six hair dryers made her feel safe from her fear, even if they didn’t work.

Carrie has trouble throwing things away, especially magazines with “important’ information in them. She subscribes to many magazines but, being the mother of three small children, doesn’t often have the time to read them. So the magazines pile up and pile up. Carrie hopes at some point to have the time to read them, but that time never seems to come. When asked why she won’t throw them out, her answer is, “Because there might be something important in them and I don’t want to miss it.” Carrie fears missing out on some important piece of information &ndash information that may give her the peace she is seeking. It makes her feel safer and in control to have all the magazines around her with their important information, even if she never gets to read them.

When we don’t feel safe on the inner level, then we try to make ourselves feel safe on the outer level, and clutter is one way of doing that. Whether it’s things, such as hair dryers, or information, such as in magazines and newspapers, clutterers do not trust that they will have what they need. In addition, clutterers may be resistant people who see messiness and clutter as a way of not being controlled by someone who wants them to be neat.

HEALING THE ADDICTION TO CLUTTER

Clutter is created and maintained by a wounded, frightened part of oneself, the wounded self &ndash the part that operates from the illusion of having control over people, events, and outcomes. As long as this wounded self is in charge of the decisions, the clutterer will continue to accumulate clutter as a way to provide comfort and the illusion of control over feeling safe, or continue to be messy as a way to resist being controlled.

Healing occurs when the individual does the inner work necessary to develop a strong, loving adult self. A loving adult is the aspect of us that opens to and connects with a spiritual source of wisdom, strength, and love. A loving adult is capable of taking loving action in our own behalf. The loving adult operates from truth rather than from the false beliefs of the wounded self, and knows that the comfort and safety that clutter seems to provide is an illusion &ndash that no matter how much clutter accumulates, the clutterer still feels afraid. The loving Adult knows that safety and integrity do not lie in resistance. Only a loving adult who is tuned in to the guidance provided by a spiritual source and capable of taking loving action in one’s own behalf can create a sense of inner safety.

Practicing the six steps of Inner Bonding that we teach develops this powerful loving adult.