My Essay Blog

How many times have you looked in the mirror and seen something you don’t like? It happens to the best of us, we get caught up in what we ‘should’ look like. Thighs are too big, hair is too straight, too many freckles, breasts are too small… the list could go on, and for many of us it does. The question is, are you loving who you are and keen to further improve yourself, or are you getting caught in the old “I’ll be happy when…”? “I’ll be happy when I weigh only X kg”, “I’ll be happy when I get a boob job”, I’ll be happy when I have this or that done”.

The truth is that happiness isn’t a place, person, operation, destination or weight goal. Happiness is a feeling, and it’s entirely within our control as to if, and when, we feel it or not. The challenge many of us face is that we’re always searching for something externally to make us feel good rather than finding it within.

I know this, because I spent most of my life not liking what I saw in the mirror. I was Bulimic for 8 years and ALWAYS thought I was too fat. It wasn’t until I was looking back in hindsight, that I realised my problems never had anything to do with my weight. I’m 5’2” and at my very heaviest I was only 55kg (121lb), but I thought I was a huge, hideous monster. I was never happy unless I was down to 48kg (106lb), which &ndash funnily enough &ndash only seemed to happen when I was even more depressed, or on the ‘break up diet’ when I’d split with a partner. Most of the time I was never more than about 50kg (110lb) yet I absolutely believed that I would only be happy when these last 2kg (4.4lb) had dropped.

2kg? How could 2 measly kilograms really dictate whether or not I was happy? From the outside in, it was easy to see that I had a problem unrelated to my weight, but as the person experiencing this, it was all I could think about. In fact ‘think’ is too mild a word. I was obsessed. I would starve myself for days, only to binge on huge amounts of food which I would then purge, several times a day. This was a destructive, cyclic pattern and it was ruining my life, my relationships and my health. Even now, years later, my digestive system doesn’t function properly and I have irrepairable damage to my teeth from all the purging.

I tried everything I could think of to make the changes I knew I needed. I went to counselors, support groups, psychiatrists, nutritionists, everything… you name it, I tried it. What I hadn’t tried at that point, is to truly understand that I needed to fall in love with me, just the way I was. When I was 26, I started working one on one with Nina, a very intuitive life coach who helped me search inside myself to find the answers I was looking for.

There were many months of tears, frustration and soul searching… but eventually there was peace. I was able to understand why I was using food as an emotional crutch and what the real cause of my behaviour was. You see, the eating disorder was simply a vehicle for dealing with the real issues, and once I knew what they were, I was able to address them directly.

Today I am happy, healthy and loving who I am. I’m still human, I still have bad days, and I still have an ‘ideal weight’ that I’d like to get to… but it doesn’t dictate my life and I love myself regardless… squishy bits and all.

Do you ever feel that:

* Your life is out of your control?

* You are not where you could be or want to be?

* You don’t really receive the recognition you deserve?

* You don’t feel safe and secure in your relationships?

* You are often overlooked and undermined?

* You have strong desire but lack belief in your ability or the future?

* You are working harder but can’t seem to make any progress?

* You are frustrated because you can’t seem to break through the barriers in your life

* You are settling for less because it is still better than what other people have?

Do you ever wish that:

* You could have more confidence to do the things you really want to?

* You had more self esteem to stand up for what you believe in?

* You could command respect from your colleagues?

* You could impress others when they meet you?

* You could communicate your ideas with ease?

* You could stand up and speak in public?

What if you could do the above and:

* Eliminate Stress, Fear and Anxiety?

* Reclaim your Health by losing weight, quitting smoking, or dealing with other addictions?

* Improve all of your Relationships?

* Develop your Confidence and Self Esteem?

* Have more control over your life?

* Understand why people see you the way they do?

* Learn how to avoid these problems in the future?

Would you be willing to take the action necessary to bring about these outcomes? Is it just a wish you have, or is it a real desire to change? Have you ever thought “I deserve the best I can get in life and will do whatever it takes to get the best” If you are ready to give yourself the best in life, then please read contact us.

By the way the basic componants of behaviour are:

Be(behaviour)= Feel+Wish+Do

Each of us has a differing capacity of each, some prefer The Feelings (emotions) , some perfer Doing ( action) and other the Wishing( thoughts) , each has a profound cost and pay off. It also determines how you show up in life! And the capacity with which you live it fully,completely without limits. Only to figure that most of the programming to your behaviour happened at an unconcious level before your were even aware it existed. The turth of the matter is, by becoming aware of it you can then do something about it, and one of the best ways is with your Catalyst Coach.

Most people are familiar with the phrase “thoughts become things,” and in a manner of speaking that is true. However, the more accurate way to explain that concept would be to say that thoughts become emotions.

Emotions in turn drive the machine of your life that creates the things that you think about. The fact that emotions need to be part of the equation is easily verified by thinking back to any time in your life whenever you thought long and hard about having or doing something, but those thoughts never manifested into whatever it was that you were thinking about. For example:

• Many people think very often about having enough money to enjoy certain material possessions or experiences.

• Almost all people give considerable thought to weight loss, physical fitness, or their overall health.

• The majority of people also spend plenty of time thinking about satisfying romantic or other social relationships.

However, despite the massive amount of thought that is dedicated to some or all of those things, it is often the case that we do not have the level of success in those areas that we desire.

The reason for that is because we do not have the appropriate emotional attachment to the things that we want to bring into our lives. When giving thought to the things that we want, more is not necessarily better, since emotionless thoughts have no real power, no matter how many times we think them.

However, a consistent thought about something that also evokes a positive emotional response from you almost always serves to ultimately bring that thing into your life.

In order to illustrate this concept, simply think back to any job interview, health improvement program, date, or other social situation that you were involved in that you felt very positive and confident about. In most if not all of those situations, one of two things happened:

1) You attained or enjoyed the experience of whatever it was you felt positive about, or

2) You realized after the fact that you didn’t really want it after all.

By feeling positive and confident about attaining something, you put yourself in charge of the outcome, as opposed to how a lack of confidence will tend to make you feel powerless to get what you want out of any given situation.

You need to be honest with yourself, however, when considering whether or not you truly feel positive and confident about attaining something. Strongly desiring something does not equate to feeling positive or confident about acquiring it. Everyone wants whatever they consider to be financial, health, or social success, but actually believing that we will attain it is another matter entirely.

It is this difference between giving a high quantity of thought to something vs. giving a high quality of thought to something that is ultimately the deciding factor in whether or not we attain it.

High quality thoughts about something are thoughts that evoke a consistent positive emotional response in relation to that thing. These thoughts fill you with the belief that &ndash sooner or later &ndash you will attain whatever it is that you are thinking about.

Compare that to the thoughts that most people have about attaining their desires. You will see that often people’s thoughts about their dreams tend to evoke negative, disempowering emotional responses, such as doubt, fear, uncertainty, concern, lack of confidence, etc.

Rarely in history has anything of note been accomplished by someone thinking of how scared they were about whether or not it was actually going to happen. Disempowering thoughts such as fear do not tend to manifest positive results.

That is not to say that fear or similar feelings are not part of the process, because often they are. However, they are used only as tools to bolster the confidence and belief level of the person involved, as squashing disempowering feelings has the immediate effect of causing us to feel empowered! If you have ever faced down a fear, then you know this to be true.

The bottom line solution to using the power of your emotions as the fuel for self improvement is to make a conscious recognition of how you feel about something that you want to accomplish.

If the thought of improving your finances, your health, your social life, or any other area of your life causes you to feel anything other than positive and confident, you must embrace the fact that you have mental roadblocks that need to be cleared before you will achieve success in that area.

Those roadblocks can then be cleared by engaging in whatever activity will eliminate those negative feelings. That may include getting educated about what it will take to accomplish your goal, it may mean practicing affirmations or visualizations, it might involve doing research on the topic, hiring a professional to help you, or even something as simple as voicing the disempowering belief to yourself.

Once the dark things in our subconscious are brought into the light, they are often seen to have very little actual power over us, if any at all. Ferret out your negative, disempowering beliefs by being 100% truthful with yourself about how you feel about something that you want to attain.

Once you have recognized whatever it is that is causing your negative feelings, drag it kicking and screaming into the light, eliminate it, and you will leave yourself with nothing but positive and confident feelings about your ability to succeed. Then you will do exactly that!

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others’ feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.

If we truly accepted our helplessness over others, would we continue to get angry at them? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice instead of honest? If we truly accepted our helplessness over whether others loved us and accepted us, would we work so hard to prove our worth to others?

Sometimes - because we often manage to have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval - we may confuse approval with love and think we can have control over getting love. But love is always a gift freely given with no strings attached. We may receive attention and approval when we try to control getting love from another, but that is generally short-lived and not fulfilling.

Moving beyond our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame (the belief that we are inherently bad, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough), happens easily and naturally once we fully accept our helplessness over others’ intention to be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental. Our core shame is one of our deepest, oldest false beliefs and one of our oldest protections against our feelings of helplessness. Our shame gives us the illusion of power over others: that is, we tell ourselves that if we are not being loved because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have control over getting the love we want. Believing in our core shame allows us to believe that we cause others to be unloving to us, that it is our fault when others are unloving because we are not good enough. It takes us out of the truth of our helplessness and into a sense of control - if only we change ourselves we can then change others. This illusion of control over other people’s feelings about us is difficult for most people to give up.

Paradoxically, accepting our helplessness over others leads us to our personal power. Once we fully accept that we cannot have control over others loving us and taking care of us, we may then finally decide to learn how to take care of our own feelings and needs.. This major step moves us out of being victims of others’ choices and into control over our own lives, which is what we do have control over. We do have control over our own intent to learn about loving ourselves and others, or protect against pain with some from of controlling behavior. You will feel incredibly empowered once you fully accept your helplessness over others. Try it! For one week, try throughout the day reminding yourself that you are helpless over others’ feelings and behavior. You will be astounded at the results!

Once you accept your helplessness over others, then lots of energy is released to take care of yourself. Many of us have been taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. Contrary to taking care of yourself being selfish, taking care of your own feelings and needs is what personal responsibility is all about. As long as you make others responsible for your feelings of worth and lovability, you will try to control how others treat you and feel about you. As soon as you take responsibility for defining your own worth and lovability and taking care of your own feelings and needs, you move out of being a victim and into personal power.

The challenge is to accept our helplessness over others. This is often difficult, because as infants, if we were helpless over getting someone to feed us and attend to us, we would have died. Many of us went through the terror of crying and crying and no one coming to love and care for us. Many of us experienced that life-threatening experience of helplessness over getting others to take care of our needs. We became deeply terrified of the feeling of helplessness and learned to do anything we could to avoid that feeling and that situation.

The problem is that we do not realize that today we are no longer helpless over ourselves as we were as infants. We will not die of someone doesn’t attend to us. We can feed ourselves and call a friend for help if we need it. Yet many people still react to the feeling of helplessness over others as if it were a life and death situation. Many people still do anything they can to avoid feeling helpless, including controlling others or shutting out our feelings with addictive behavior. How often have you found yourself grazing in front of the refrigerator, turning on the TV, grabbing a cigarette without even realizing you were doing it? Often, this addictive behavior is a way to avoid the feeling of helplessness that may have come up in an interaction with someone, or as a way to avoid responsibility for taking care of your own feelings and needs.

The first step in moving beyond controlling and addictive behavior is to be willing to become aware of the feeling of helplessness. Once you are aware of what it feels like in your body, embrace the feeling as you would embrace a small child who is feeling scared. As you bring love to the feeling of helplessness within you rather than avoiding it with controlling and addictive behavior, you will discover that it isn’t as bad as you thought. If you are willing to open to the love that surrounds you in Spirit and bring that love inside to the part of you that feels helpless, this frightened wounded part that just wants to be loved begins to get healed. The more you practice embracing helplessness rather than avoiding it, the more you will move out of being a victim and into your personal power and ability to love yourself and others.

Meditation can be described in hundreds of ways. Here we will give some brief explanations about this so-extremely-important aspect of human harmony, health and spiritual evolution.

Three Aspects of Meditation

1. The first step is relaxation or surrendering of the body and mind so that the mind is not cluttered with various unrelated and disturbing thoughts.

2. The second is concentration on a limited area of mental focus so as to begin to be able to control and direct the mind towards the chosen “object” of concentration. Thus, if I have chosen to concentrate on Christ, the concept of love or the energy in my heart center, my mind will not wonder from that point of focus to various other unrelated thoughts concerning my daily life, needs, desires, the future and the past.

3. The third stage is the eventual transcendence of the mind, thoughts and all identification with the body and personality. We then enter into a state of super-mental union with divine consciousness.

These three aspects, RELAXATION, CONCENTRATION and TRANSCENDENCE constitute the basis of most meditation techniques.

What is Meditation Like?

Meditation could be considered any process or abstinence of process, which brings the mind into a state of contact with the inner self, so that a sense of inner peace and fulfillment ensue.

Ordinarily, our minds are constantly preoccupied with feelings, ideas, thoughts, sounds, sights, tastes and sensual experiences. We are focused on working, talking, thinking, analyzing, watching, worrying, solving, studying, dreaming and so on. We are like ships being tossed around by the waves of circumstances, external inputs and our subconscious programming.

One moment we are happy, elated over a success, a new purchase or an affirming exchange with a loved one. In the next moment sadness flows through us - we are tired, depressed with life, bored with work, confined by our family, devastated by the heat, frustrated with ourselves, angry at others, or bitter about the hardships which life has put upon us. Life is an incessant flow of moods, thoughts and perceptions.

Now the object of your consciousness is what you are reading. And in-between the lines it moves to the life experiences, which are stimulated by the associations brought forth by these words. Then the past memories become your object of consciousness.

Meditation is a process in which we let go of these disturbances and allow ourselves to sink into ourselves and experience the center of our being, where there is a constant sense of peace and feelings of security and love for ourselves and all others.

This becomes a source of energy, security, self-worth, freedom, strength and peace with which we can deal with our daily lives. We have so much to gain by dedicating 20 minutes at least once but better twice daily for this contact.

We will obtain greater clarity, health, harmony, happiness, intuition, understanding, creativity and problem solving ability.

The meditative process climaxes in the transcendence of the ego and the mind itself, ending in a state of contact with higher levels of awareness or, eventually, pure consciousness without an object of perception.

If we care for our bodies and minds and they will care for us.

Throughout our lives we have various requirements that must be met. These are our needs and desires, which range from basic physical needs to selfless desire. When any of these are not met, negative physical, mental, and emotional complications and addictions can result, sometimes with distressful consequences. This discussion is about needs.

A need is an explicit requirement, like feeling hungry and demanding to eat or seeking assurance when you feel unloved and insecure. Satisfying a need means that it has been gratified, relieved, and discharged. Once you feel satisfied, your attention easily turns to something else.

The following list of needs is inspired by the work of Abraham Maslow.

Physical needs. Food, water, safety, shelter, health, basic comfort and income.

Security. You feel secure when you feel wanted, accepted, loved, and supported by others, and are able to feel a sense of belonging.

Connection. The drive to meaningfully relate, involve, give and receive, procreate and/or experience sexual fulfillment.

Self-esteem. You need confidence, competence, respect and power. When you feel approval, recognition and admiration from others, you naturally feel these for yourself and others. This develops the confidence needed to risk and strive. From competence and achievement, you develop assurance, poise, and power. Esteem in all these ways is preeminent to favorable development and behavior.

Integrity. This results from fulfilling your agreements with yourself and others. Because you carefully consider possible consequences, you are discerning in your choices and are thereby able to trust yourself.

Satisfying basic needs is primary. Without doing so, you are distracted, out of balance, and out of peace. If numerous needs are unsatisfied, then your disturbances are complicated and magnified. Your daily activities and creative flow are biased and directed toward the satisfaction of your unmet need(s). Your focus is distracted and skewed, your life is entangled with problems, and your fulfillment will be forever compromised.

Since most people don’t know how to address their unmet needs, they turn their attention to what seems easier. And yet it never truly works because weakness arises. For example, a person becomes a great singer, yet never learns how to develop or maintain healthy intimate relationships.

To satisfy basic needs one must feel the insecurity that develops from its lack, then determine the best way to effectively address it. However, many people lack the requisite trust, strength and method by which to do so. This inhibits healthy progress because they fear they will be weakened by admitting the lack; yet they will actually be strengthened.

The key is to identify the unsatisfied need that the negative behavior attempts to satisfy. Next, replace that negative behavior with a positive equivalent. For example, returning alone to her hotel room feeling the high of a concert, the great singer typically orders her favorite goodies, eats heartily, and grows larger. By determining that she never learned how to develop and maintain healthy relationships, she is able to decide how to begin developing satisfying relationships, even while touring.

Indeed, satisfying basic needs is necessary because it provides the foundation for all else to develop, and supports you to reach your optimum levels. Satisfying basic needs is fundamental to clarity, peace, and overall well-being, and supports your potential to be realized.

It’s almost that time of year again &ndash New Year Resolutions! Millions of people around the world are vowing to lose weight, quit smoking, stick to a budget, and more. How many will actually follow through with these changes? Probably not many. Have you done this before? Have you made promises to yourself and not kept them? You are not alone. Why does it seem so easy to make changes in our lives, until we actually begin to do the work?

Change is hard. Most of us don’t stop to think about that when we set goals. We start out filled with passion, fire and excitement. We feel invincible and know we can accomplish whatever we desire. We see the glorious outcome of our desires shining before us, and we are determined to make it happen. Then we begin to encounter obstacles along the way. We may struggle halfheartedly through a few of them, but eventually we find ourselves making excuses, procrastinating and losing interest in those same goals we were so excited about before. What happened?

Goal setting involves much more than making a promise to do something. We need to equip ourselves with the right tools and mindset to ensure our success. There are several things we need to think about before we set goals:

Why? &ndash What is your reason for wanting this particular outcome? It’s lofty to want to lose weight or quit smoking, but if you don’t have a clear, strong reason for wanting to do so, you will have no passion to fuel your efforts. What will you gain by making these changes in your life? What will you gain by not making changes? Oh yes, you are gaining something by keeping your bad habits around, or else you would have gotten rid of them long before now. Understand that, and acknowledge it. Be honest with yourself. Be clear about what you really want. Let’s say you want to quit smoking because you want to live a healthier life. Why? What will that do for you? It will improve your quality of life. Okay, why is that important to you? Keep asking yourself “why”, until you get to the “meat” of your desire. Be sure you understand exactly why these goals are important to you, and write it down. You will want to read it over and over again, especially when you feel your resolve crumbling.

Action Goals vs. Results Goals &ndash Most of us make the mistake of setting results-oriented goals, rather than action goals. This is an important distinction. Setting a goal to lose thirty pounds is not a goal at all. It is an outcome. The goal should be to exercise and eat right &ndash which will result in the loss of weight. We need to treat the problem, not the symptom. Make a note of the outcome you want, and then make a list of the actions that will get you there. Then make the actions your goal. Be specific. Rather than setting a goal to “lose weight”, decide how, when, how often, and for how long you will exercise each day. Decide what foods you will eat (or not eat), and how much of them. Set realistic and specific daily goals, and reward yourself when you accomplish them. Each day is an opportunity for victory.

Believe You Deserve It &ndash Many of us struggle with low self-esteem, and feel we don’t really deserve success. Unfortunately, if we don’t believe we deserve it, we will resist it when it arrives. We may do this unconsciously by sabotaging our own efforts, or we may outright refuse to even try. We must first understand and then truly believe that we do deserve success and happiness. In addition, we must be consciously open to receiving it. We’re so good at giving to others, but many of us won’t accept help or blessings for ourselves. Be willing to believe that you deserve to be successful and happy. Then be willing to accept that success when it arrives. Give yourself the gift of better health, inner peace, more organization, a better job &ndash whatever you are striving for in setting your goals. Affirm aloud to the universe each day, “I joyfully accept all of the abundance and success the universe has for me, NOW.” Remember that the more abundance you have, the more you will be able to help others also.

Commitment &ndash One of the greatest secrets of success is simply not giving up. When we look at successful people, they seem to have it so easy. What we usually don’t see are the years of hard work, dedication and commitment that got them to where they are today. Many of them struggled through massive obstacles and setbacks, sometimes having to start all over again repeatedly. Are you that committed to your goals? Will you persevere no matter what? Make a promise to yourself that you will continue working toward your goals, even if you aren’t seeing the progress you hoped for. Be willing to work hard and continue working hard, even when &ndash especially when &ndash the going gets rough. When obstacles arise, fuel your persistence with positive thoughts and keep moving forward. Let your determination glow hot and bright, and burn away all doubts and fears. Don’t beat yourself up if you make mistakes, simply get up and begin moving forward again.

Patience - Forming new habits takes time and practice. The good news is that countless people have proven it can be done. If they can do it, you can do it too. Give it your best effort, but don’t expect perfection from yourself. You may stumble and fall; you may grow weary of the battle. However, remember that anything worthwhile takes effort. Your goals and dreams are worth fighting for, no matter how fierce the battle, no matter how long it takes.

Most importantly, believe in yourself. Believe that you have the skills, ability and determination to make your dreams come true. That, above all else, will guarantee your success.

Would you like to start being more productive right now? Want to stop wasting precious time and move your projects to completion? This article will focus on how to be more productive from this point forward.

The key to becoming more productive with your time is to concentrate your efforts on the task at hand. So how do you begin to concentrate your efforts? The key is to eliminate distractions.

Distractions come from two sources. The first source is outside things, such as phone calls, emails, interruptions from other people and so on. Pick a time when you feel at your peak, and sequester yourself, for a period of time each day, to give yourself a real boost in productivity. Develop your own methods to “hide” from the outside world, for a period of time each day, and you will see your output grow.

The second source of distractions comes from within. Unfortunately, this is the hardest source of distractions to control. It is hard to shut yourself off from yourself. . The key culprit for us is multitasking. Many studies have been done at this point, that show multitasking reduces productivity, instead of increasing it. Our minds can only hold one thought at a time, and switching tasks causes us to lose focus and momentum, and forces our mind to play “catch-up” over and over again. To become more productive, you must master the art of focusing on one thing at a time and give it your best effort and attention, until it is done. If boredom sets in while you are working on your task, give yourself a SHORT break, and remind yourself of what the ultimate objective is for what you are working on and what the payoff is to you.

You need to make sure the task you pick to concentrate on, is in fact your highest priority item. Many of us fall into the trap of staying busy, vs. staying productive. One task may clear mountains of paperwork off your desk ,or you might be better served by moving just one piece of high priority/high payback paper. Use the 80/20 rule to help find the true “gems” in your inbox. The 80/20 rule says that 80% of the gains you receive, come from 20% of your efforts. Find out what that 20% of high payoff project are and make sure you concentrate on accomplishing them first.

And of course don’t forget the basics of time management. Say no to as many projects as you can to help streamline your workload. Try to “cherry pick” projects you know in advance hold high payback potential and try to pass on lower priority projects. Also delegate as much lower payback activity as possible. Calculate the value of your time and try to delegate low value activities, even if you have to pay someone. It is money well spent.

Increased productivity is as close as your next thought. Remember everything counts. Every action you take as well as those actions you don’t take can help you move towards your goal of increased productivity. Constantly remind yourself of your need to be more productive and discipline yourself to do the right thing. Don’t beat yourself if you have a setback, but be certain to reward yourself in someway, for each action that moves

your productivity up a notch.

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a “nice guy” and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn’t realize is that his niceness was really a “pull” on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.

Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.

Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany’s fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack’s fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany’s behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than “nice” to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, “Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I’d rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn’t feel good.”

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

My oldest son and I watched a movie from his great collection “Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.” There is a great quote in the movie which I was eager to use this week where Kevin Costner playing Robin Hood says, “Nobility is not a birth-right; it is defined by one’s actions.”

The term “Nobility” refers to people who were “known” or “notable” and the word was applied to the highest social classes in medieval times. One had to be born into families of the upper classes to be considered a noble. Because those of nobility were also wealthy, they could afford the best of everything the world had to offer including education. Those who were noble were expected to act noble. But as is the case with all societies throughout history, those of noble birth seldom acted nobly.

In the classic movie Robin Hood, a once young prince of such a noble class found himself imprisoned by the enemy in Jerusalem for fighting on England’s side in the holy wars. After escaping he returned home only to find his property and family destroyed by the greedy sheriff of Nottingham who has misused his appointment to gain riches in the King’s absence. Robin of Locksley soon gathers a group of peasant farmers willing to fight and Robin along with his companions begins a campaign of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and winds up confronting the larger than life philosophical issue concerning the meaning of nobility.

The movie makes for great entertainment as my son would surely know as he has only the best of best movies in his collection. The quote in the movie which concerns itself with people’s actions, is the epitome of the movie in my humble opinion. The way we act towards one another should be of vital interest for us all. The term nobility has many definitions. In Robin Hood, Costner’s character shows us what nobility really is as he portrays the actions of a true noble throughout the movie. I believe this is why the story of Robin Hood has such universal appeal. We have, all of us, born within us a secret yearning for excellence of being. That is what nobility should be; a principle, a way of acting that sets high standards.

Nobility is not a class of people; it is people with class. It is action of a higher order. It is embodied in what the Greeks called “Arete”. It is the notion of personal excellence. It is the act of living up to one’s full potential. Nobility is what the great Greeks philosophers interpreted as virtue. From Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, II vi 15, “virtue (or nobility) is a settled disposition of the mind determining the choice of actions and emotions, consisting essentially in the observance of the mean relative to us, this being determined by principle, that is, as the prudent man would determine it.”

Don’t let the lush language used here confuse you as to the simple meaning of nobility. Nobility means living the best you can in what ever circumstance you find yourself. In Robin Hood, Costner’s character exhibited behavior of an excellent nature. He was kind, yet he was not afraid to fight for what is right. He was not condescending towards others but was considerate. He was chivalrous and meek, yet he was bold and self asserting. He was a man’s man. He was a woman’s man.

What we should derive from the story of Robin Hood is that humankind should strive to be excellent in all that we do. If sales is your occupation, are you ethical in what we do for customers? If you are a physician, do you treat your patients in the best possible way exhibiting excellence in your bed-side manner? If you are a teacher, do you strive to teach so that students will understand you easily? If you are a judge, do you put prejudice aside when you are judging a case in court? If you are a psychologist or therapist, do you practice confidentiality and do you seek the patient’s best interest at all times? As a parent, are you patient with your children and do you treat your children with respect? As a spouse, are you honorable in the way you treat your spouse? All these questions can be summarized using one; do you seek excellence in all that you do?

It is a mind set. It is not one action. It affects all your actions. It is a way of being. If you seek this way of living, you will see many doors of opportunity open for you. You will have the power of the universe on your side. You will be tested though because we live in a world that is for the most part exactly opposite of excellence or nobility. Nobility is a journey you will never regret. You will be empowered when you begin to live the life of nobility; and you put yourself in the best place to acquire wealth and success if you strive to live a life of excellence. It is my goal and desire and I hope it is yours too.