My Essay Blog

By discovering your unique strengths, determining your core values, and directing your future with ambitious lifetime goals, you can achieve amazing success. But be warned-if you don’t like change, you will like irrelevance even less.

So far, Steve Jobs has made a fairly sizable ding. He has achieved success (to the tune of over a billion dollars) through continuous innovation and sticking to his unique talents.

Whether your are about to start your career or already working your way up the ranks, you want to give yourself every possible advantage. You have a lot of decisions before you, no matter where you are in life. It is up to you to determine which path in life you will take - but how can you avoid walking down the wrong paths over and over again until you find the best one?

What are your unique strengths? If you don’t determine the where, how, when, and why of what makes you truly unique, making that ding in the universe won’t happen. What if you knew the Distinct Natural Abilities

Stress, like the weather, is ever present in our lives. While unavoidable, we can make it more manageable, just as we can dress appropriately to suit weather conditions. Stress, defined as our reactions to external situations or internal psychological states, affects our physical health and emotional well-being. Despite all the advice that has been written about stress, why are so many of us overwhelmed by it?

One reason is that we find it difficult to accept that living itself causes various forms of stress, making it impossible to eliminate. Nor is all stress bad. The satisfying excitement of achievements and happy events in our lives result in a stress that we welcome. But it is realistic to avoid–or at least reduce–the harmful forms of psychological stress (e.g., worries, anxieties, fears, irritability and depression) and the damaging physiological reactions (e.g., increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscular tensions, and an impaired immune system). Stress may also cause us to behave destructively.

Let me say that in coping with stress, we should avoid ineffective or self-defeating techniques, including overindulgence in alcohol, smoking and the use of illegal drugs. These temporary methods not only fail to relieve stress but cause more damage–physically, emotionally, relationship and job- wise. Users become addicted to them and all too often spiral out of control.

Another approach to controlling stress is the use of psychotropic drugs prescribed by physicians. But as a psychologist, I use behavioral and other psychotherapeutic techniques. With most people, these treatments are effective. But they involve the persons participating in their own recovery. However, if the person’s stress is severe, medical consultation could be indicated. Knowledgeable physicians will treat their patients with an effective drug that has the fewest side effects and will follow up on the patient’s progress. They will also reduce or eliminate the medication when the stress is manageable. The patient should not hesitate to question the psychiatrist about the medications and their effects. Often, psychotherapy may be indicated to make more effective and lasting progress.

Physical causes for stresses should not be overlooked. A good physical work-up may be necessary to find out if medical treatment is indicated. Sometimes, medications themselves can cause stress reactions. In considering the cause of stress, we may need to play detective.

Let us keep in mind that people differ in their coping styles. Even with the loss of a loved one, a relationship breakup, losing one’s job or a serious financial setback, some people are more resilient. Others recover more slowly or are even stymied in moving on with their lives. Those whose suffering is severe or lengthy should not avoid seeking professional help. As a consumer advocate, I would suggest that the person consider the various treatment options and consider the pros and cons of each.

Strange as it may sound, stress can be helpful! Like pain, it can motivate us to make changes in our lives or to obtain the necessary treatment that can not only reduce stress, but also improve our lives. I can give two examples in my own life. One concerned a job that was damaging my physical health and psychological well-being. Those stresses made me quit the job, return to school and change my career. A second was an overwhelming workload and a weight gain that were taking a physical and emotional toll on my health. I switched to a nutritious eating pattern and started practicing meditation techniques; both improved my physical and psychological health. I must admit that I had the same difficulties as my patients in overcoming these self-destructive patterns. While we are creatures of habit, we can be motivated to change if we strive for health, longevity and greater happiness.

Having used myself as a case study let me give an example from my psychotherapy practice. A patient worked for two years without a pay raise. Finally, he was encouraged to approach his supervisor. He discovered that the supervisor was unaware of the situation and promptly got the patient his raise. This problem arose because of a personnel glitch and the patient’s not speaking up sooner. He had underestimated how valued a worker he was. His insecurities contributed to the problem! As a result off this experience, he was also able to consider other situations in his life that he could confront.

But let’s be realistic. Another supervisor could have acted differently and defensively. If he had, my patient could have considered all possible options, such as appealing to a director, looking for another job or biding his time if he was not ready to quit. While not wanting to unnecessarily prolong our suffering, we should avoid acting impulsively. It is best to carefully consider our options, including a change in the situation. For several of my patients the difficult supervisor was transferred or quit. Since we are each unique, there are no boilerplate solutions. Know thyself is a good maxim. One person may find it better to quit, another to bide his time. But each should consider the consequences of each choice.

Let me now mention couple relationships which offer not only many satisfactions but, as we all know, stresses as well. While we realize “talking it over” is helpful, all too often, each person goes into the defensive or critical mode. Criticizing and complaining are counter-productive, escalate the conflict and make a bad situation worse. Communication, while highly desirable, has to be constructive All too often we ignore the basic ground rules of effective communication. They include: a calm situation where both are willing to spend the necessary time to listen as well as talk. Rather than criticizing, or complaining and defensively not admitting to any fault, just listen. Don’t neglect to say what you like about the other person and the positive aspects of the relationship. If neither existed, why would you want to remain in such a relationship? Present the difficulties in perspective. I can’t go into all of the effective communication techniques that help resolve conflicts, but be assured there are many. If such discussions don’t help, consider other alternatives, including couple counseling. If your partner is unwilling to go, consider going yourself to get help as to what to do. Often, the partner who’s unwilling to come may change his or her mind. With a skilled therapist, couple counseling will help both persons realize what each is doing to contribute to the problems and what each can do to improve the situation.

One recent example is the couple that came to me, the wife saying, “He threw me out!” while the husband said, “She left and wouldn’t return.” It soon became clear that after a heated argument, he told her, “If you’re unhappy, you can leave.” After she left, she refused to return. By the way, anger, a stress itself, interferes with listening and thinking. The couple, after several sessions, realized that their intentions were not to end the relationship but rather that their words were expressing anger and frustration. They decided to again live together and in counseling learned to discuss and resolve their conflicts more rationally. If all efforts fail to resolve differences, couples may consider divorce to end a futile situation. Hopefully, each can learn from the experience and move on with their lives. If there are children, the couple should avoid involving them in their conflict and reduce as much as possible the damaging effects on them.

Let me summarize my approach, which is appreciably condensed in this brief article. First, realize stress is an inescapable aspect of living and may even prod us into improving our lives. Two, consider the causes of the stress (don’t leave yourself out!) and the options for reducing or eliminating it. Three, realize that many stressful situations have developed over time and may be complicated. So don’t expect instant solutions. Consider solutions a process in which we may be stymied, enter blind alleys, make blunders, but always consider the ways to recover and better resolve the situation. Four, realize that reactions to stress are not limited to fight or flight. Our human species has the capabilities for considering constructive options if we are motivated, realistic, persistent, flexible and are open to getting professional help. And lastly, realize that a realistically optimistic attitude can be maintained or learned if necessary to help us effectively handle the stresses in our lives and live more happily.

It’s past bedtime for most working men. It’s not unbearably late and I have no appointments tomorrow morning so I sit here and contemplate. Contemplate what? Well, what do I always contemplate? Life, the concept of God, the meaning of life, what’s happening in society, and my next step in my own journey; there really is a lot to consider or, more aptly put, more that one can consider. I speak of being in the moment, staying present and not worrying. You are more effective in that place. Yet, there are times for reflection.

Reflecting gives me the opportunity to check-in with the events of the past week. The conversations and people I’ve met. Along with that there is the recollection of the impact I made or they made during our exchange. This includes what may come from the relationship. Sadly, there are those people whose impact may have been negative. During the exchange there are attempts at honest communication and I’m saddened by the lack of insight they may possess; I am thinking of a particular incident. Friendship is a fickle thing.

I’m astonished by the mistakes we make as adults: Mistakes about our own beliefs and how that impacts others; Mistakes about relationship choices just because we feel ourselves getting older and perceive that to mean we’re running out of time; Mistakes of judging others before we’ve even had the opportunity to give a friendship or relationship a chance. One encounter with someone rarely scratches the surface and most issues people have in an exchange are their own issues. Chances are you’re seeing a reflection of yourself.

I’ve had to learn that a long time ago now. Many beliefs and attitudes I encountered that butted heads with me were typically a fairly representative reality of my own making, not theirs. What I would see is what I expected to see based upon previous encounters with other people. Little triggers would set me off, thinking about a past event, letting it taint the current potential for a new relationship. After shutting so many people out, I finally took stock and began to challenge myself to see past those initial encounters.

Most often, when we present ourselves to a new person, our strategy is to adopt a mask of conduct that we have become comfortable and safe with when dealing with people we don’t know or want to keep at a safe distance. Too often in the past we presented our most authentic self while growing up and had our trust betrayed. Or, we’ve been schooled by parents, teachers, friends that we should always be on our guard. I’ve found little reason to continue the charade.

While I will speak more freely about certain topics initially, I bring my truest nature into the relationship immediately. I speak openly about matters of the heart, matters of the spirit based upon my own experiences, and many other unusual topics of life and relationships. It troubles me to be in conversations with people who are guarded and anxious, as though they had something to hide, to protect, or suggest that I’m untrustworthy. To give trust is to be trustworthy.

In opening myself up to be vulnerable, I demonstrate trust and that I am trustworthy. This was affirmed on Saturday morning over coffee with a woman that I had only just met. We met to discuss aspects of her life that she would like improved. For two hours nothing was spoken about her situation. I discussed many aspects of my life, trials and tribulations, relationships, work, and beliefs. Towards the end of our time together, she said she trusted me completely. It was about who I was being with her that gave her this security and permission to be authentic. Others won’t go there.

Another woman with whom I spent even more time, continuing to be the same man I always am, has failed to find me trustworthy. Yet I behaved the same and was my authentic self and opened up about much of my life and such as I did on Saturday. She opened up herself, usually about one or two topics, and yet she was caught up in a belief system that didn’t allow her to trust herself with certain people. Based upon an initial impression, not of the person but of a stereotype she holds, I am lumped into a category of the type of person that can cause her to give up her power. That is such a revealing statement.

After communicating this to me, understanding why she has this issue, I am unable to respond in a way that will allow her to hear the truth. The filter is already in place and everything said will be heard from that perspective. Not from a place of impartial judgment, instead it is heard from a biased judgment. We did speak about that issue but rather than challenge her, I had to talk about me from that context. I don’t know if she will see what I see. If she gives up her power in context with certain people, then how is her relationship with herself? Does she trust herself?

We are complex and we are wise to be careful with whom we trust. I agree with that but at the same time, can you be so overly cautious that you no longer learn anything about yourself, your power, and how you can improve your circumstances when dealing with other people? Challenges are given to us to rise up and grow. When a problem shows up, you go through it. Or, like my grandfather would have said, “You grow through it.”

Not all powerful personalities are interested in controlling other people. I’d say the majority of us are happy with who we are and are just enthused by the exchange with other human beings. We don’t want your power, we want you to engage in a relationship that challenges and empowers. The questions I’m left with:

• “Why are you afraid?
  
  
• “Who are you really afraid of?
  
  
• “So what is it that you really want?
  
  

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others’ feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.

If we truly accepted our helplessness over others, would we continue to get angry at them? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice instead of honest? If we truly accepted our helplessness over whether others loved us and accepted us, would we work so hard to prove our worth to others?

Sometimes - because we often manage to have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval - we may confuse approval with love and think we can have control over getting love. But love is always a gift freely given with no strings attached. We may receive attention and approval when we try to control getting love from another, but that is generally short-lived and not fulfilling.

Moving beyond our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame (the belief that we are inherently bad, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough), happens easily and naturally once we fully accept our helplessness over others’ intention to be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental. Our core shame is one of our deepest, oldest false beliefs and one of our oldest protections against our feelings of helplessness. Our shame gives us the illusion of power over others: that is, we tell ourselves that if we are not being loved because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have control over getting the love we want. Believing in our core shame allows us to believe that we cause others to be unloving to us, that it is our fault when others are unloving because we are not good enough. It takes us out of the truth of our helplessness and into a sense of control - if only we change ourselves we can then change others. This illusion of control over other people’s feelings about us is difficult for most people to give up.

Paradoxically, accepting our helplessness over others leads us to our personal power. Once we fully accept that we cannot have control over others loving us and taking care of us, we may then finally decide to learn how to take care of our own feelings and needs.. This major step moves us out of being victims of others’ choices and into control over our own lives, which is what we do have control over. We do have control over our own intent to learn about loving ourselves and others, or protect against pain with some from of controlling behavior. You will feel incredibly empowered once you fully accept your helplessness over others. Try it! For one week, try throughout the day reminding yourself that you are helpless over others’ feelings and behavior. You will be astounded at the results!

Once you accept your helplessness over others, then lots of energy is released to take care of yourself. Many of us have been taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. Contrary to taking care of yourself being selfish, taking care of your own feelings and needs is what personal responsibility is all about. As long as you make others responsible for your feelings of worth and lovability, you will try to control how others treat you and feel about you. As soon as you take responsibility for defining your own worth and lovability and taking care of your own feelings and needs, you move out of being a victim and into personal power.

The challenge is to accept our helplessness over others. This is often difficult, because as infants, if we were helpless over getting someone to feed us and attend to us, we would have died. Many of us went through the terror of crying and crying and no one coming to love and care for us. Many of us experienced that life-threatening experience of helplessness over getting others to take care of our needs. We became deeply terrified of the feeling of helplessness and learned to do anything we could to avoid that feeling and that situation.

The problem is that we do not realize that today we are no longer helpless over ourselves as we were as infants. We will not die of someone doesn’t attend to us. We can feed ourselves and call a friend for help if we need it. Yet many people still react to the feeling of helplessness over others as if it were a life and death situation. Many people still do anything they can to avoid feeling helpless, including controlling others or shutting out our feelings with addictive behavior. How often have you found yourself grazing in front of the refrigerator, turning on the TV, grabbing a cigarette without even realizing you were doing it? Often, this addictive behavior is a way to avoid the feeling of helplessness that may have come up in an interaction with someone, or as a way to avoid responsibility for taking care of your own feelings and needs.

The first step in moving beyond controlling and addictive behavior is to be willing to become aware of the feeling of helplessness. Once you are aware of what it feels like in your body, embrace the feeling as you would embrace a small child who is feeling scared. As you bring love to the feeling of helplessness within you rather than avoiding it with controlling and addictive behavior, you will discover that it isn’t as bad as you thought. If you are willing to open to the love that surrounds you in Spirit and bring that love inside to the part of you that feels helpless, this frightened wounded part that just wants to be loved begins to get healed. The more you practice embracing helplessness rather than avoiding it, the more you will move out of being a victim and into your personal power and ability to love yourself and others.

Throughout our lives we have various requirements that must be met. These are our needs and desires, which range from basic physical needs to selfless desire. When any of these are not met, negative physical, mental, and emotional complications and addictions can result, sometimes with distressful consequences. This discussion is about needs.

A need is an explicit requirement, like feeling hungry and demanding to eat or seeking assurance when you feel unloved and insecure. Satisfying a need means that it has been gratified, relieved, and discharged. Once you feel satisfied, your attention easily turns to something else.

The following list of needs is inspired by the work of Abraham Maslow.

Physical needs. Food, water, safety, shelter, health, basic comfort and income.

Security. You feel secure when you feel wanted, accepted, loved, and supported by others, and are able to feel a sense of belonging.

Connection. The drive to meaningfully relate, involve, give and receive, procreate and/or experience sexual fulfillment.

Self-esteem. You need confidence, competence, respect and power. When you feel approval, recognition and admiration from others, you naturally feel these for yourself and others. This develops the confidence needed to risk and strive. From competence and achievement, you develop assurance, poise, and power. Esteem in all these ways is preeminent to favorable development and behavior.

Integrity. This results from fulfilling your agreements with yourself and others. Because you carefully consider possible consequences, you are discerning in your choices and are thereby able to trust yourself.

Satisfying basic needs is primary. Without doing so, you are distracted, out of balance, and out of peace. If numerous needs are unsatisfied, then your disturbances are complicated and magnified. Your daily activities and creative flow are biased and directed toward the satisfaction of your unmet need(s). Your focus is distracted and skewed, your life is entangled with problems, and your fulfillment will be forever compromised.

Since most people don’t know how to address their unmet needs, they turn their attention to what seems easier. And yet it never truly works because weakness arises. For example, a person becomes a great singer, yet never learns how to develop or maintain healthy intimate relationships.

To satisfy basic needs one must feel the insecurity that develops from its lack, then determine the best way to effectively address it. However, many people lack the requisite trust, strength and method by which to do so. This inhibits healthy progress because they fear they will be weakened by admitting the lack; yet they will actually be strengthened.

The key is to identify the unsatisfied need that the negative behavior attempts to satisfy. Next, replace that negative behavior with a positive equivalent. For example, returning alone to her hotel room feeling the high of a concert, the great singer typically orders her favorite goodies, eats heartily, and grows larger. By determining that she never learned how to develop and maintain healthy relationships, she is able to decide how to begin developing satisfying relationships, even while touring.

Indeed, satisfying basic needs is necessary because it provides the foundation for all else to develop, and supports you to reach your optimum levels. Satisfying basic needs is fundamental to clarity, peace, and overall well-being, and supports your potential to be realized.

Most of us recognize faces. For example, did you ever hear anyone say, “Oh, I know your name, but I don’t recognize your face”? It’s the names we have trouble with. Since we do usually recognize faces, the thing to do is apply a system wherein the face tells us the name. That is basically what a good memory techniques accomplishes, if it is applied correctly.

The first problem is the name. Well, that one is easily solved - simply apply the “Substitute Word” system of memory. You won’t need it for many names that already have meaning - names like Hayes, Howe, Carpenter, Fox, Paige, Coyne, Paynter, Gold, or Knott immediately create pictures in your mind.

Other names may not have meaning, but will still remind you of something tangible. For example, the names Hudson, Jordan, and Shannon will probably make you think of a river, and the name Ruth might make you think of baseball. The vast majority of names, however, have no meaning at all. They are conglomerations of sound, just like a word in a foreign language. That’s where the Substitute Word system comes in.

Before we give you some examples, you should be aware of the fact that most people don’t really forget names. They just don’t remember them in the first place - often, they don’t really hear them in the first place. Just think back and remember the many times you’ve been introduced to someone, when all you heard was a mumble. There’s no way on earth to remember a mumble!

For some reason, people are usually embarrassed to simply say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear your name.” There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Since a person’s name is one of his most prized possessions, it’s flattering to make even the slightest fuss over it. Asking him to repeat it shows that you’re interested enough in him to want to be sure you get his name right.

Then there are those who don’t bother asking the person to repeat his name because they feel that they’ll probably never meet him again, so what difference does it make? Of course, they often do meet that person again - which is why half the world seems to address the other half as Darling, Buddy, Fella’, Mac, Champ, Honey, or Sweetheart. Not because “Honey” is so special to them, but because they don’t know who they’re talking to! Which is probably all right, because the chances are that “Honey” and “Buddy” don’t know who they’re talking to, either!

Anyway, if you would like to remember names and faces, there are three steps involved; the first step takes care of the name, the second takes care of the face, and the third locks the two of them together. What you have to do is associate the name to the face in some ridiculous way.

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a “nice guy” and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn’t realize is that his niceness was really a “pull” on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.

Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.

Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany’s fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack’s fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany’s behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than “nice” to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, “Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I’d rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn’t feel good.”

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

The best leaders keep the world in perspective. They see the bright side of things. They can find humor in most circumstances. They can laugh at the absurdity life often offers. Humor eases tension and takes the bite out of tough situations.

A sense of humor draws followers to the leader. It helps followers feel safe and energizes and activates their minds. Humor also plays a larger role as an essential element of effective living. Health professionals agree that those with a sense of humor have a greater sense of being and belonging. That feeling gets communicated and creates the rapport that attracts others to the leader. Some people say that humor must be limited within the serious business of work. Yet people laugh most often about the things that are most serious to them. Think of all the jokes you have heard about money, taxes, and even death.

Stay within your style and focus on topics that delight you. This means overcoming the limiting belief that “I’m not funny.” Everyone gets a tickle out of something. For example, bring to mind the somber image of Alan Greenspan. Imagine him saying, “Inflation is what lets you live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.” Share what tickles you and let people see your sense of humor. Don’t worry about never getting jokes, not remembering funny stories, or not spinning a good yarn.

You don’t have to tell jokes to demonstrate your sense of humor. You do not have to try to be funny. You do not have to be a great raconteur. Just talk about topics that interest you and reveal your sense of playfulness. I knew a corporate attorney who everyone thought had absolutely no sense of humor. I found out the attorney was an avid Red Sox baseball fan. Since I enjoy baseball too, I asked him about the Red Sox once. He went on for twenty minutes about his love for the team. Several of his comments were about humorous incidents at Red Sox games. I laughed loud and hard at some of his comments.

Respond to others’ quips and cleverness. Your sense of humor is conveyed when you engage other people and react to them. Simply restating what someone else said, with a different tone or with a link to another idea, can cause a chuckle or create a second round of humor. What if your attempt at humor bombs? Acknowledge the bomb. Have at hand a few ready-made recovery lines to stop the flop. George H. Bush certainly never created the impression that he was one of American polities’ stand-up funny-men. Yet he demonstrated a good sense of humor when he flubbed a line during his 1988 presidential campaign. Bush said, “We’ve had triumphs. We’ve made mistakes. We’ve had sex.” “Sex” was the tongue-tied replacement for “setbacks.” Bush recovered easily from his flub by saying, “I feel like the javelin thrower who won the toss and elected to receive.” When you do bomb, and everyone does, say or do something rather than try to ignore the bomb.

Truly Numbing Criticism

While we shouldn’t needlessly flatter we must make it a goal to encourage. Regrettably, we tend only to welcome results as opposed to effort. Several of us condemn much more than we eulogize, thereby dampening fervor and squelching confidence. One teacher who was counseled about his fifteen-year-old student, Matthew, exclaimed, “He never does anything right!”

Anything?? Now that’s Impossible!

Grownups do it to adults as well. Why do several of us so concentrate on another’s fiascos or disappointments? Oftentimes, it is because you want to establish that you are smarter than me, that you are superior. Or, you want to demonstrate that you were right and that I was mistaken. Or, you want to express how much more honor you have than I do.

There is yet an additional reason some of us are very disparaging and intolerant. Unhappy people vent their disappointment and resentments at handy targets. Condemnation often serves as a ready made avenue for the articulation of your rage and your sense that the world has dealt you an inequitable hand. Furthermore, when you condemn, you don’t have to accept your reservoir of anger. You can cloak your remarks in noble robes, for example: “I was only trying to help.”

Folks require guidance. We crave feedback designed to keep us moving in a vigorous, fruitful direction. I don’t want you merely to be my cheerleader - I want you to tell me when I am being excessive and unrealistic.

There is one type of criticism, however, whose outcome is solely negative. It is when you find lapse with something they can do zilch about. There is no point in ever permitting your brunette, hazel-eyed spouse to know that you prefer platinum locks and baby blue eyes. It is brutal to comment to your slim wife that you find bouncy breasts a real turn-on. It is tactless to go on and on about how eloquent and charming you find your male friend to be, when your husband is modest man of simple tastes.

Criticism, delivered correctly, can be helpful when transformation is within our grasp. Demanding a person to change what is already etched in stone will only compel them to feel worthless and indignant.

A critical change, nonetheless, requires that we simply shift some of our energies and become perceptive of somewhat different priorities. We educate our children to value the environment and set aside days for recycling in order to validate that respect. Adults dutifully segregate their garbage, putting aside paper, aluminum, glass, and plastic products so they can have another life. Why not then, proposition a globally recognized day each year on which we are remarkably mindful of treating others with dignity, when we associate with others as humans not objects, as equals not inferiors, as people who goad on and not criticize, as people with the same desires for appreciation?