My Essay Blog

Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She had been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this. In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking - Carole was a constant worrier. Many words out of her mouth centered around her concerns that something bad might happen. “What if I never get well?” “What if my husband gets sick?” “What if I run out of money?” (Carole and her husband ran a very successful business and there was no indication that it would not go on being successful). “What if my son gets into drugs?” “What if my kids don’t get into good colleges?” “What if someone breaks into the house?”

Her worry was not only causing her depression, but was also contributing to her illness, if not actually causing it. Her worry caused so much stress in her body that her immune system could not do its job of keeping her well. Yet even the awareness that her worry was causing her depression and possibly even her illness did not stop Carole from worrying. She was addicted to it. She was unconsciously addicted to the sense of control that worry gave her.

I understood this well because I come from a long line of worriers. My grandmother’s whole life was about worrying. She lived with us as I was growing up and I don’t remember ever seeing her without a look of worry on her face. Same with my mother &ndash constant worry. Of course, I picked up on it and also became a worrier. However, unlike my mother and grandmother, who worried daily until the day they died, I decided I didn’t want to live that way. The turning point came for me the day my husband and I were going to the beach and I started to worry that the house would burn down and my children would die. I became so upset from the worry that we had to turn around and come home. I knew then that I had to do something about it.

As I started to examine the cause of worry, I realized that worriers believe that worry will stop bad things from happening. My mother worried her whole life and none of the bad things she worried about ever happened. She concluded that nothing bad happened because she worried! She really believed that she could control things with her worry. My father, however, never worried about anything, and nothing bad ever happened to him either. My mother believed that nothing bad happened to my father because of her worry! She really believed until the day she died (from heart problems that may have been due to her constant worry) that if she stopped worrying, everything would fall apart. My father is still alive at 92, even without her worrying about him!

It is not easy to stop worrying when you have been practicing worrying for most of your life. In order for me to stop worrying, I needed to recognize that the belief that worry has control over outcomes is a complete illusion. I needed to see that, not only is worry a waste of time, but that it can have grave negative consequences on health and well-being. Once I understood this, I was able to notice the stomach clenching that occurred whenever I worried and stop the thought that was causing the stress.

Carole is in the process of learning this. She sees that her worry makes her feel very anxious and depressed. She sees that when she doesn’t worry, she is not nearly as fatigued as when she allows her addiction to worry to take over. She sees that when she stays in the moment rather than projecting into the future, she feels much better. The key for Carole in stopping worrying is in accepting that worry does not give her control.

Giving up the illusion of control that worry gives us not easy for anyone who worries. Yet there is an interesting paradox regarding worry. I have found that when I am in the present moment, I have a much better chance of making choices that support my highest good than when I’m stuck thinking about the future. Rather than giving us control, worry prevents us from being present enough to make loving choices for ourselves and others. Worrying actually ends up giving us less control rather than more!

1. Unconditional Love. This is the font of happiness, renewable and eternal. We often think that being loved is the best feeling in the world, but it’s the second best. The best is loving someone else. Love is the polar opposite of fear, emotionally and neurologically. Thus, it is the antidote to fear and the first step toward real bliss.

2. Boundless Optimism. Genuine Optimism provides power over painful events. Optimism is understanding that the more painful the event, the more profound the lesson. Once you bring this knowledge into your heart, you can never again look at any event as all bad. Optimism gives you power over fear of the future and over regret for the long dead past.

3. Sizzling Courage. This is your fiercest weapon for overcoming the split-second power of fear. You can’t rise above fear without courage, because fear is hardwired into your neural circuitry. If fear is eternally programmed into your brain, though, so is courage. It comes from the neocortex and is a product of the spirit, the intellect, and the higher emotions of love and generosity. It is nature’s natural balance for the fear that has helped us survive. It’s the quality that allows us to overcome.

4. An unbridled sense of freedom. Nothing expands the soul like freedom.Liberty is choice, and choice is what makes us human. When we choose, we define who we are. Everyone has the power to make choices, but unhappy people don’t know they have it. They think it’s only for the rich. It’s not. I’ve met a thousand rich people who didn’t feel free. Choice is available to anyone who taps the strength to exercise it.

5. Powerful Proactivity.Blissful people participate in their own destinies and forge their own happiness. They don’t wait for events or other people to make them happy. They’re not yielding victims.

6. Solid Security. Blissful people know that nothing, over time, lasts - not money, not approval, not even life itself. So they don’t measure security with a calendar or a calculator. They simply like who they are. They’re not slaves to popularity, longevity, or financial status. They know that security is an inside job.

7. Powerful Health. Happiness and health are interdependent. It’s hard to be happy if you don’t feel healthy, and it’s hard to be healthy if you’re not happy. Of special importance for happiness is healthy mood chemistry. You can have a happy life and not even know it if you’re tortured by faulty mood chemistry. An imbalance of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine, for example, can mask the happiness that bubbles within.

8. Soaring Spirituality. Happy people aren’t afraid to go beyond the boundaries of their own lives. They let go, and welcome extraordinary experiences. They have markedly less fear of death. They’re not concerned about dying - they’re concerned about failing to live.

Feeling good about yourself is one of the key ways to be successful at what you do. Remember that only you are in charge of your emotions and empowering yourself is a great way to get ahead in life.

This article lists three ways to boost your self esteem which can help you feel better about yourself and become a more confident person.

Get your mind relaxed

A relaxed mind is the source of great power. Like the tai-chi masters of old, a calm mind can bring about great mental strength that can allow you to become more confident in what you do on a daily basis. Things like hypnosis, tai-chi or meditation can help you develop this inner calm that will allow you to be composed in the most volatile situations. A calm mind in the face of adversity, is a source of strength.

John for example is a busy executive who was really stressed out at work so in the weekends he decided to take up Tai-Chi and after that was able to maintain his calm during the week. As a result of that, his colleagues started consulting him when they had crisis and his self confidence went up.

Do something that you are strong at

Do something that you are good at and that reinforces in your mind that you are a person that is of value. Spend some time doing something that allows you to experience the feeling of winning. Chalking up the wins is something that will help boost your self confidence.

There is much to illustrate in the area of the psychology of winning. There was an story of a father who let us son beat him at wrestling and after a while, this son started to consistently beat his other brother whom for the longest time had prevailed over him. Such is the power of the mindset of a winner.

Do something for others

Spend some time doing something for others and doing it well. The joy of achievement no matter how small will empower and light up your life. Remind yourself that in small things you are faithful, you will be able to handle larger and more complex things. Thereafter you will be able to be confident in your own abilities to handle more tasks.

Self confidence is relative as well. Some people think that they have the worst life in the world, helping out the less fortune reminds us that we should be thankful and thereafter make the best of our own existence on earth as mundane as it may be. Thankfulness and self esteem have an impact on each other and a thankful mindset is the basis to attract more self confidence.

In conclusion, are you feeling down and insecure? Try taking these three simple steps today and thereafter spend time at night reflecting on your own thoughts. Discard thoughts that drag your self-worth down and take active steps to nurture positive thoughts. There is wisdom in living a more confident life and it is one that you ought to live.

Joel Teo 2007 All Rights Reserved

Each of us has an inner critic. There is no way to grow up in our society without having developed this inner critical voice &ndash which comes from parents, teachers, peers, the media, and from our own conclusions.

The problem is that this inner critic sounds like a voice of authority when in reality it doesn’t know what it is talking about. It is a voice based on beliefs that have been handed down through generations but that have no basis in fact.

How often has this voice said to you:

“You can’t do it. You are inadequate.”

“You are stupid and ugly.”

“If he (or she) rejects you, it is because you are not okay.”

“You had better do it right. If you don’t, everyone will know that you are a fraud.”

“It is NOT okay to make a mistake.”

…and so on.

This inner critic speaks with such authority that it is tempting to believe what it says. Yet is knows only lies. It knows nothing of who you really are.

When this voice is criticizing you, it is criticizing the “you” that it thinks you are &ndash your ego wounded self. The critic, having come into being to help you survive and protect you from rejection, long ago decided that who you really are is not good enough. When you experienced judgment or rejection from the important people in your life, you likely concluded that you were being rejected because you weren’t good enough or lovable enough or worthy enough or smart enough or attractive enough…and so on. You may have had no idea when you were being judged or rejected, rather than loved and accepted, that it actually had nothing to do with you. You probably had no idea that you cannot CAUSE another person to be judgmental or rejecting, or loving and accepting. You likely had no idea that others’ behavior is not under your control.

If you believed that you were causing others to judge or reject you, you may have decided that who you really are is not good enough. So you started to judge and reject yourself as you attempted to create a “self” that would be loved and accepted. The inner critic &ndash your ego wounded self &ndash is the self you created. You came to believe that if you judged yourself enough, you would make yourself into an acceptable person.

The problem is that none of this is true. There never was anything wrong with your true Self, your essence, your soul. It was, and is, a perfect expression of the Source from which we are all a part.

When your wounded self is criticizing you, it is criticizing your looks, your intelligence, or your performance. But none of this is who you are.

Who you are &ndash what is truly worthy, lovable and valuable about you &ndash is your ability to love. Not how you look, not how smart you are, not how much money you have or how big your house is. Your true Self is an individualized expression of God (or whatever you want to call our Source), and God is Love.

Next time you hear the authoritative voice of your inner critic, instead of giving that voice credence, stop listening to that voice. Treat that voice with compassion, like a child who acts like it knows everything. Instead of acting on that voice, open instead to the voice of your true Self &ndash the voice of Truth.

Do this simply by asking, with a deep desire to learn, “What is the truth?” Your Higher Self will answer you. This Self is the true voice of authority, even though it may be much softer and gentler than the loud voice of your inner critic.

Each time you hear the critical voice, ask your Higher Self “What is the truth?” If you take action based on the Truth rather than on the false beliefs of your inner critic, you will find yourself feeling so much better in so many ways!

Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?

There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:

* Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptiness and take away pain.

* Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptiness and take away pain.

* Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.

* Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.

* Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility.

What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.

For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.

If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.

However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.

The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.

Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.

Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.

When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about.

Randall is an extremely intelligent man, but in some ways he was using his own intelligence against himself. The problem was that when Randall did have those brief moments of true connection, he immediately went into his mind to try to figure out how it happened. The moment he went into his mind, he lost the connection that he so desperately desired.

The reason Randall went into his mind was that, as much as he wanted the joy of deep spiritual connection, he wanted something even more than that - control over that connection. Randall’s ego wounded self believed that he could control the connection with Spirit with his intellect - if only he could figure it out then he could control it. The last thing Randall wanted to do, which is what is necessary to connect with Spirit, is to surrender his thinking. Randall was deeply addicted to thinking as a way to not feel his inner experience. Thinking was his way of controlling his painful feelings, such as his aloneness, loneliness, and helplessness over others and over his spiritual connection.

Many us of are addicted to thinking. We believe if we can just figure things out we can control others and the outcome of things. We want to control how people feel about us and treat us by saying just the right thing - so we have to think about it over and over to discover the right thing to say. This is called “ruminating.” Ruminating is obsessively thinking about something over and over in the hopes of finally coming up with the “right” answer, the right thing to say, the right way to be to have control over others and the outcome of things. Ruminating is also a way to have control over our own painful feelings, which is what addictions are all about.

In my work with Randall, he would immediately go into his head and analyze what was happening in the session the minute feelings came up. Over and over I would bring him out of his head and into his body, into his feelings. His feelings were so terrifying to him that he could only stay with his feelings for a few moments before he was back into his head - explaining, figuring out, intellectualizing. He was so terrified of the soul loneliness and aloneness he felt that he had learned to avoid these feelings with his mind. Yet until Randall was willing to feel his painful feelings, which had been there since childhood, he couldn’t stay out of his head. As long as his intent was to control his pain rather than learn from it, he would not be able to move into the spiritual connection he so desired.

The purpose of all of our addictions are to avoid pain, especially the deep soul loneliness that we all feel in this society. The problem is that our disconnection from our feelings - which is our Inner Child - creates aloneness as well. Our feeling self, our Inner Child, is left alone inside with no one to attend to the painful feelings. It is only when our desire is to learn about how we may be causing our own painful feelings that we open to our inner experience. Our desire to learn also opens the door to our spiritual connection, which we cannot feel when our intent is to avoid pain with our various addictions.

It took Randall many months to be willing to feel his painful feelings, but he discovered that when he finally had the courage to feel them, it was not as bad as he thought. In fact, when he was no longer abandoning his Inner Child by going into his addictive thinking, he no longer felt alone within. Connecting with himself allowed him to connect with Spirit more and more of the time. Rather than getting there through thinking and trying to control it, he was getting there by being present in the moment with his inner experience - surrendering to the moment. Randall found that while he could not control others and the outcome of things, he actually did have control over his misery - by choosing the intent to learn rather than protecting against pain. While he couldn’t control Spirit, he did have control his own intent, which eventually led to his being able to connect with Spirit.

Saturn may be moving in to Virgo, which is probably good news for Leos, and we are all about to get a break when Venus stops retrograding and turns her lovely face of love in the right direction, but there’s something else coming up that affects us all, whatever your sign is: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Seasonal Affective Disorder affects about 5% of adults severely, particularly women and young adults. Up to 25% of us are affected more mildly.

The National Mental Health Association (NMHA) says that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s a real illness, and sometimes the symptoms are severe. It’s worse in January and February, but sometimes starts as early as September.

The cause of SAD is believe to be melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain. Melatonin production increases in the dark, so in the winter, when the days are shorter and darker, production increases, causing what we experience as symptoms of depression. Seasonal Affective Disorder is extremely rare for people who live within 30 degrees of the Equator, where daylight hours are long and extremely bright.

What are the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder? Well, a lot like depression - trouble sleeping, lethargy, overeating, sadness, social problems, anxiety, loss of libido, mood changes, and a weakened immune system. For complete description, go here:

.sada.org.uk/symptoms.htm.

What can you do to help? It’s light that suppresses the secretion of melatonin, so for lighter cases, get outside more, exercise outside, and arrange for more light at work and at home.

Phototherapy has been helpful in more severe cases. A light box can be used that emits very bright light through a filter.

If you think you might have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), check with your personal healthcare professional. Get as much information as you can, and be prepared.

To most people ’stress’ brings to conjures up unpleasant feelings. However, many of those in the field of psychology are of the opinion that stress is something that can have positive effects.

Why the disconnect?

Essentially the answers lie in how each individual person evaluates their own mental and physical well being.

Perhaps some examples could help to make bring this point home.

For instance, assume two people, one a championship caliber athlete or performer, the other a college senior about to take a final test. The athlete or performer has been training most of their life for tasks that they perform; and let’s say in our case, the student has hardly cracked a book or studied at all for the impending test.

From a strictly a physiological point of view both individuals will be experiencing similar effects - raised heartbeat and breathing, higher metabolism, active sweat glands and so forth.

Psychologically, there are also similarities - increased concentration on the task at hand and focus on the next few minutes, clear images and heightened sensitivity to feelings.

However, there are key differences, at least psychologically speaking. The athlete is uses these feelings to their advantage to gain razor sharp focus, ready to tackle challenge, and confident in his ability to exhibit his prowess and dominate the contest.

The senior… not so fortunate… probably experiencing doubt and fear.

In either of the cases it’s reasonable to say that there is a definite element of stress involved. And one would also conclude that both individuals are feeling stressful.

It is the differences that are the key.

The athlete mentally processes his scenario as a challenge that he welcomes and is confident in his ability to tackle. One the other hand, the senior is well aware of the fact that he has poorly prepared and understands the ramifications his impending failure &ndash i.e. a lowered grade and possible having to retake the class.

In both cases the individuals are uncertain of the outcome, but each evaluates the odds of success differently… as would each also project the outcome of failure differently.

The athlete may wind up short of a victory or first place finish; which may be disappointing but still the overall picture is one of a successful season or performance.

The senior, on the other hand may see his chances for getting into a good graduate school slipping away. In fact, he may have to ultimately pass this class before he can even graduate.

Needless to say, the examples are very basic, but the premise is accurate.

How you process various events will leave you feeling stressed or simply one of life’s challenges that you know you can handle.

You can see by these two examples that there are actually two definitions of the word ’stress’ that sometimes get interchanged.

One refers to a heightened awareness and the physiological symptoms described above.

The other is adds the element of worry and those symptoms.

The latter is the one that can have negative health consequences that under certain circumstances can even be physically harmful.

We as humans are tethered to both our mind and our body and the two aspects affect one another, the psychological part is just as important.

Clinical depression is known to impact the lives of one out of every six people in their lifetime. But the sad reality is that the medical community still does not entirely understand exactly what causes depression to occur in one person and not in another.

Yes, we do know that depression is hereditary.

Depression can often be found to run throughout the generations of the same family invading the DNA molecules which make up a particular family’s genes. This causes the family members to be more susceptible to depression.

However, there is another school of thought that says perhaps the real reason we see depression run in families is that it is also environmental in that it all depends on how the children are raised. If they see the affects of depression encroaching on the lives of their family and they see the results then they will learn to deal with life the very same way.

Even though we are quite clear that depression runs in families, depression is also seen in those without any family history. Stress resulting from a variety of issues, trauma, or even prescription medications or illegal drugs have all been known to cause depression.

Riding the ups and downs of depression can leave you even more exhausted that the last wave of depression you faced. Depression is known to run in cycles. You may feel completely fine one day and the next day you may be completely and utterly unable to get yourself out of the bed and out of your night clothes. The dramatic ranges of emotions are well documented in cases of depression.

Many healthcare providers and scientist alike believe that many suffering with depression manifest a chemical imbalance of Norepinephrine and Serotonin which are the feel good neurotransmitters found in the central nervous system and in the brain.

These neurotransmitters work to help control feelings of happiness and well being. The neurotransmitter Norepinephrine is thought to be a stress hormone; while Serotonin is thought to control hunger, overall moods, sleep and sexual feelings.

When these chemicals get out of whack they are thought to cause depression.

So if you think about it, when these neurotransmitters are out of balance it only makes sense that the roller coaster ride of depression would result. As these levels of these chemical rises and falls thereto go the emotions and feelings associated with them.

The real question is why do some people experience peaks and valleys with their chemical make up while others seem to be more stable. Again, it begs the question is it really the environment in which you were raised or is it truly the ebb and flow of the neurotransmitters that alter feelings causing the dramatic impact of depression.

Do you mirror your family because that is all you know how to do, it is the only way you know to respond or is it that you are genetically and chemically bound to your family and because of that simply have no choice of being impacted by depression.

We need more research and time to study this issue before there is a definitive answer. What we do know is that regardless of the reason why, we do know that depression tends to run in families and if you have a family member that has dealt with the issue then you should be aware of the possibility that you too could be fighting the same battle one day.

Be aware, seek help early and learn what you can do in order to prevent depression before it takes control of your life.

In this article I write about how we can become content with life by learning to like ourselves and by appreciating what we have in life. There are far too many people who are comparing their lives to that of their friends and neighbours, and who then think that they are not good enough. This can make them become jealous and even depressed.

I have to admit that I was like the people I am describing above. I was not happy with the car I drove, or at the company where I worked, or at how much money I earned per year and even with the girlfriend I had. My friends seemed to drive much better cars, worked for much better employers, earned far more per year than I did and had much better looking girlfriends, sorry Claire!

I have since managed to change my attitude to life and am now very happy with what I have in life. I now look at the bigger picture and instead of concentrating my thoughts at people who I feel are better off than me, I watch the news from around the world and hear about people who are far less fortunate than I am. I certainly now feel that I am actually very lucky compared to most people who live on this planet.

I also did not really like myself, I wanted to be taller, stronger, a better communicator (I had a stutter), and a lot fitter than I was (I was quite fat). I have since accepted that there are various things that I can not change, such as my height and have therefore accepted that I am shorter than the average male. I have also thought about the positive aspects of being short, more leg room on a plane etc. Other aspects of my life at which I was not happy with, but felt I could change or improve, I have worked very hard on, and am now at a weight I am happy with and have overcome the stuttering speech impediment.

I now like myself and if other people choose not to, that is fine by me, I have enough people who do. In any case it is what I think that counts, therefore if they think I am an idiot, thats fine, because I believe I am not.

I now have an opinion that what car I drive or how much money I earn is not important. For me, health and happiness are the two most important things in life and these are things which money can not buy.

I have decided that stressing or worrying about a situation does not help me to succeed, it just makes things a whole lot worse and more difficult. I now think to myself, that all I can do in life is to try my best and if I do that I can be proud of myself.

I used to be very hard on myself, my own worst critic. I am now a lot easier on myself, I have realised that I will make mistakes and always try to learn from the experiences. My body and brain are temples and I need to be nice to them. Hopefully if I am they will reward me with my continued health.

I am now far happier than I have ever been and am determined not to slip back into my old ways of depression and negative thinking.

I hope this article helps you in your quest for a better life.