My Essay Blog

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection &ndash of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors &ndash from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn’t know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others’ love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection &ndash it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another’s demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

The Inner Bonding process we teach is a process designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another’s feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

You can start to learn the powerful Inner Bonding process now by downloading our Free Inner Bonding Course. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.

Are you looking for someone who will hold you accountable to achieving your goals? Career coaching and mentoring may be what you need to accomplish what you really want in your career. Your friends and family certainly love you and want the best for you, but they can’t always make the time to devote the necessary hours you may need to achieve your objectives and goals. Your friends and family have objectives and goals that they are looking to achieve as well.

Coaching is one of the best investments that I have made. Although there are many coaching packages that you can choose with becoming a coaching client, generally speaking, the coach and client usually have a weekly call, which lasts from about 45 to 55 minutes. Email communication is usually included between each coaching call.

I have worked with many terrific people who were extremely talented and were over qualified in the position in which they were working. I could only imagine how much happier and productive they would be if they had hired a career coach to work with them.

Why should you consider hiring a career coach?

1. You have someone who is focused on your objectives and goals.

Your coaching calls are all about you. Your coach will hold you accountable for your actions to achieve your goals. Many career coaches have graduated from CoachU (.coachu.com) and have been educated and trained on holding clients accountable to achieving their goals.

That’s why many coaches offer a free initial consultation. This initial consultation will better determine if you and your potential coach are compatible. There’s nothing wrong if a particular coach and you are not compatible. The same principle applies with other professional services. You may not be compatible with every accountant, lawyer, contractor, plumber, hairdresser, mechanic or web-designer.

2. You have someone who is objective toward you.

As mentioned before, you have family and friends that love you and they may think that any work you do is awesome, but you are generally getting a subjective opinion. A coach would be able to objectively prepare you for such events as a job interview, calls from clients, querying an editor, writing a resume and getting better organized.

3. Someday leads to a town of Nowhere

How many of us have always said that we wanted to do things such as write a book, start our own business and switch careers? When did you want to start doing those wonderful things? I have done all three by working with a coach! From what I know of myself, I would not have done these things had I not been working with a coach. I might have looked back and thought shoulda, coulda, woulda. I didn’t want to look back years from now and have those regrets.

4. Coaching Can Be A Great Investment

Coaching can cost a lot less than many seminars. What is the total amount of money that you have you spent on self-help items, such as books, audiocassettes, CD’s, Videos, DVD’s and seminars? Did you spend hundreds &ndash maybe thousands of dollars? What kind of rate of return did you get on your investment? Did you achieve your objectives after you read that book, listened to that CD, watched that DVD or went to that seminar? The aforementioned items most likely contained great information on how to achieve your goals. But did any of those items personally hold you accountable and ensured that you achieved your goals?

Like any other professional service, coaching costs money. Coaches are educated and trained professionals who provide valuable services. If your sink needed fixing and you had no idea how to fix it, would you hire a plumber to fix your sink? Hopefully! A plumber is paid to do something with specific measurable results: fix your sink. If your career needs fixing, what would you do? Coaching goes beyond specific measurable results. Can you put a price on having a career that you love?

I have always wanted to become a writer. My coach taught me how to write more effectively to express my point, get the attention of editors, and get my articles published. I cannot put a price on what I have learned by coaching!

Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?

* Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.

* Karen would lose herself in a book when things felt overwhelming.

* Keith would retreat and meditate when his wife wanted to talk.

* Patty’s work schedule left her little time at home.

* Carl spent more time in the garage fixing things than with his family.

* Patrick’s love of running was interfering with his family time.

Whether or not an activity is an addiction depends upon your INTENT.

* When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of aloneness and loneliness, it is an addiction.

* When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of rejection or the fear of domination, it is an addiction.

* When the intent of an activity is to put off doing something you don’t really want to do but need to do, it is an addiction.

Whenever an activity is used as a way to avoid something - painful feelings, difficult or boring tasks - it becomes an addiction. It’s really no different than using substances such alcohol, drugs, or food to avoid painful feelings or challenging tasks. The problem with using addictions to avoid painful feelings is that the feelings don’t actually go away. They are just numbed for the moment but are silently eroding one’s sense of self. We can get away with it only for so long before it shows up in some way - illness, divorce, depression, and so on. And avoiding tasks means that the tasks pile up, eventually causing the very stress we want to avoid. Our society is filled with ways to avoid. Yet it is avoidance that leads to the very feelings we are striving to avoid!

When the intent of an activity is to take loving care of yourself by providing yourself with fun, creativity and expression, relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, physical health and well-being, then it is a loving action rather than an addiction. It all depends on your INTENT.

Next time you want to participate in your favorite activity, you might want to notice your intent. Do you want to relax and watch TV or are you avoiding some difficult feeling or task? Do you find yourself scheduling more work than you can really handle to avoid dealing with aloneness, loneliness, or conflict with a mate, or are you really loving your work and feeling fulfilled by it? Are you exercising to support your health or to avoid feelings?

Once you become aware of using an activity to avoid, here’s what you can do about it:

1. Welcome the feeling you are trying so hard to avoid. Pay attention to the feeling - fear, loneliness, aloneness, agitation, boredom, anxiety.

2. Make a decision to learn what YOU might be doing to cause this feeling rather than continuing to avoid it.

3. Explore what you might be doing to cause this feeling. How are you not taking care of yourself that is causing your painful feeling? Are you procrastinating, judging yourself, or not standing up for yourself in conflict? How are you avoiding responsibility for your own well-being? Are you allowing yourself to be a victim, waiting for someone else to make you feel better?

4. Once you understand what you are doing to cause your distress, then you need to ask “What would be the loving action for myself?” You are asking this question of your highest self, or of your spiritual guidance if you are connected with a source of guidance. If you open to learning about what is loving, ideas will pop into your mind.

5. Now you need to take the loving action on your own behalf - complete a task, stand up for yourself and speak your truth with someone, and so on.

6. Re-evaluate how you are feeling. Are you feeling more peaceful and more powerful? You will feel more peaceful if you have taken the loving action. If you are not feeling better, don’t just turn back to your addictions. Look for another loving action until you find what really makes you feel safe on a deep level, not just the temporary pacification of an addiction.

You will find your addictions fading away as you learn to take loving care of yourself.

Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn’t know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn’t get her approval. While he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn’t seem to stop, and he had no idea why he blamed her.

As I explored various situations with Allen, it became apparent that he was not just blaming his wife. Allen was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself things like, “I’m such a jerk,” and would often say very negative things to himself, such as, “Things will never get any better,” or “I’m just a loser,” or “I’m a big disappointment to myself.” He would then feel angry and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he never connected his anger with his self-judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at other drivers on the freeway.

It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a direct result of his self-abuse.

The problem was that Allen had learned to be very self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie. As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in the 46 years of his life.

Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger at others was really his anger at himself for abusing himself. He was projecting onto others what he was doing to himself. He saw that he was especially sensitive to others’ judgment because he was so judgmental of himself.

As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he realized that he believed that if he judged himself enough, he could have control over getting himself to do it “right.” He realized this wasn’t true by an experience he had playing tennis.

“I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to play well, and I played my best game ever! The very next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it.

I want to stop doing this, but I’ve been doing it my while life. How do I stop?”

Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.

2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.

3. Ask yourself, “What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?” Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I’m telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I’ve made up?” Then ask yourself, “What am I trying to control by telling myself this?”

4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, “What is the truth?” When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.

5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.

6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.

Do you ever feel that:

* Your life is out of your control?

* You are not where you could be or want to be?

* You don’t really receive the recognition you deserve?

* You don’t feel safe and secure in your relationships?

* You are often overlooked and undermined?

* You have strong desire but lack belief in your ability or the future?

* You are working harder but can’t seem to make any progress?

* You are frustrated because you can’t seem to break through the barriers in your life

* You are settling for less because it is still better than what other people have?

Do you ever wish that:

* You could have more confidence to do the things you really want to?

* You had more self esteem to stand up for what you believe in?

* You could command respect from your colleagues?

* You could impress others when they meet you?

* You could communicate your ideas with ease?

* You could stand up and speak in public?

What if you could do the above and:

* Eliminate Stress, Fear and Anxiety?

* Reclaim your Health by losing weight, quitting smoking, or dealing with other addictions?

* Improve all of your Relationships?

* Develop your Confidence and Self Esteem?

* Have more control over your life?

* Understand why people see you the way they do?

* Learn how to avoid these problems in the future?

Would you be willing to take the action necessary to bring about these outcomes? Is it just a wish you have, or is it a real desire to change? Have you ever thought “I deserve the best I can get in life and will do whatever it takes to get the best” If you are ready to give yourself the best in life, then please read contact us.

By the way the basic componants of behaviour are:

Be(behaviour)= Feel+Wish+Do

Each of us has a differing capacity of each, some prefer The Feelings (emotions) , some perfer Doing ( action) and other the Wishing( thoughts) , each has a profound cost and pay off. It also determines how you show up in life! And the capacity with which you live it fully,completely without limits. Only to figure that most of the programming to your behaviour happened at an unconcious level before your were even aware it existed. The turth of the matter is, by becoming aware of it you can then do something about it, and one of the best ways is with your Catalyst Coach.

In recent years there has been a significant rise in the demand for mentors and coaches. The driving forces behind this are: executives, managers and other specialists are increasingly expected to demonstrate that they are undertaking significant professional development; the workplace and business employment environment is becoming even more competitive; the influence of the emerging industrial nations is forcing radical changes in the skill mix required of managers and other professionals in the developed countries; the diversity of personal and professional skills, knowledge, and expertise needed to be successful in today’s global business environment. As this demand has increased, so has the diversity of roles played and the range of services offered. Indeed, there are so many variations and combinations of mentoring and coaching, that it is increasingly difficult to differentiate between them and almost impossible to categorise the variations available.

Workplace mentoring is, despite appearances, a structured, organised, element of the organisation’s training and development activity. It is, however, usually quite separate from organised training activities and from the formal appraisal process carried out by the line-manager. This formal, hierarchical relationship that exists between a person and their line-manager is usually not a suitable vehicle for a mentoring relationship. Mentoring generally takes the form of a confidential, one to one relationship, where a more senior person, at least one position higher than the line-manager of the person being mentored, helps a more junior one to make progress, usually as part of a planned development programme, such as management fast-tracking, preparing for a more senior post, or leading a phase of workplace activity, such as a project. The mentor offers guidance and advice, in a supportive and non-threatening manner, but in a format and style which is designed by the organisation’s human resource department and then monitored by that department. The aim is to provide the recipient with support that will enable them to move forward confidently and to achieve their personal workplace objectives and also the objectives set for them by the organisation.

In an organisational setting, coaching has traditionally been part of the supervisory role played by line-managers, or more experienced employees, who show less experienced colleagues how to carry out an activity, or set of activities, competently. This is by default part of the cyclical process of developing an individual’s skills, evaluating their performance, appraising their progress, carried out by the line manager. If the line manager does not carry out the coaching personally, they will have arranged for an experienced employee, usually within the same team as the person being coached, to deliver the coaching. In this context, coaching is, in effect, the teaching of a skill until the skill is learnt and can be consistently performed, independently, to the required standard. Although the majority of this type of coaching is delivered by people who are more experienced, it is not always the case that they are more senior. Often, because the coach is explaining or demonstrating a skill, or process, the coach can be a younger person, but someone who is capable of passing on their skills to others who are less experienced in that activity.

Today, the traditional roles of mentors and coaches can still be seen in action. However, in many organisations, and particularly in most business sectors apart from the heavy industries and manufacturing, there has been considerable change. The main changes have been in the widening of the range of coaching approaches and the merging of mentoring and coaching into one approach, generally under the title of Coaching. Despite the best efforts of some academics and management gurus, senior managers in some organisations, and the human resource purists, the terms mentor and coaching, and the roles, are now used interchangeably in many business sectors. The main reason for this is that individuals are demanding and expecting their mentor-coach to have a wide range of skills that encompasses the best features of both categories. Many organisations are also establishing mentor-coaching systems that also combine the best practices of both. The result is that, increasingly, the terms are in effect synonymous, and what one individual or organisation will label as Mentor, another will label as Coach.

Also, many individuals are arranging to work with a personal coach, whose role is a combination of mentor and coach. This is similar to the relationship between a sports person, for example athlete, and their persona coach, and that between individuals and their personal fitness trainer. In the business and professional development world, the result is a hybrid of mentoring and coaching that most people now label as Personal Coaching.

The ideal mentor is a person who has been trained in mentoring techniques, and has a blend of appropriate work experience, qualifications, and general business knowledge, that can be used to guide and advise a particular mentee. In addition it is very important that the mentor is a person who has an enthusiasm, if not a passion, for helping others to develop, fulfil their potential, and achieve their and the organisation’s objectives.

The ideal coach is a person who has been trained in coaching techniques, has a broad range of experience and expertise, has knowledge and understanding of current business activity and trends, and an understanding of how an individual’s career and professional development should be tailored in order to assist that person in being successful in achieving their development objectives.

As can be seen, there great similarities in the two roles, and, as a result, the differences are virtually indistinguishable and they are now frequently combined. Both are expected to have appropriate knowledge and experience, both must be skilled in: listening actively; communication techniques; being able to understand the work and personal environment of the person being coached; building a rapport and developing a relationship; asking appropriate questions; directing the coachee to other sources of help when appropriate; identifying, agreeing and setting goals; helping to devise action plans to achieve the goals; helping to monitor and make adjustments to the plans; and finally, knowing when it is time to end the relationship.

A coach works with individuals and organisations to help them to achieve higher levels of performance and-or specific goals. The coach will, by necessity, take into account past performance and events, but focuses on actions and goals for the future. The approach is action oriented, focusing on where the client is now, where they want to be in the future, and how best to get them there. This framework is familiar to those involved in strategic planning or project management, as it is the foundation of both. The coach takes this simple, structured approach, and builds on it to develop a plan of action that will enable them to help their client achieve their objectives.

For individuals, the benefits can be many, including helping the individual to: avoid making mistakes in their business or personal lives; achieve more, in less time; minimise current problems; effectively prepare for potential difficulties; be happier with their personal and-or work life; achieve career or personal development targets; change career or career direction; become more effective and influential in all areas of their life; be more attractive to others, in their career and professional development and-or their personal life.

For organisations, the benefits are similar. They include: learning from a person who has a broad range of knowledge; obtaining independent, unbiased, objective, advice and guidance; gaining improvements to productivity, quality levels, customer satisfaction, shareholder value; gaining increased commitment and satisfaction levels in operational and management staff; improved staff retention; supporting other training and development activity; visible evidence that the organisation is committed to developing and improving; establishing an effective process for organisational development.

The role of mentoring and coaching has changed radically over recent years. However, the changes are generally accepted as being positive ones, and today coaches are accepted as an integral feature of the development process, both for individuals and for organisations. As always, great care must be taken to ensure that the coach and any process that is undertaken is appropriate for the particular client, but with this caveat, it is now clear that coaches have an important role to play in the development of individuals and organisations in today’s business world. As the pace of change and the complexity of business activity increases, it is certain that coaches will continue to play a key role in helping individuals and organisations manage that change and complexity more effectively.

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others’ feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.

If we truly accepted our helplessness over others, would we continue to get angry at them? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice instead of honest? If we truly accepted our helplessness over whether others loved us and accepted us, would we work so hard to prove our worth to others?

Sometimes - because we often manage to have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval - we may confuse approval with love and think we can have control over getting love. But love is always a gift freely given with no strings attached. We may receive attention and approval when we try to control getting love from another, but that is generally short-lived and not fulfilling.

Moving beyond our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame (the belief that we are inherently bad, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough), happens easily and naturally once we fully accept our helplessness over others’ intention to be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental. Our core shame is one of our deepest, oldest false beliefs and one of our oldest protections against our feelings of helplessness. Our shame gives us the illusion of power over others: that is, we tell ourselves that if we are not being loved because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have control over getting the love we want. Believing in our core shame allows us to believe that we cause others to be unloving to us, that it is our fault when others are unloving because we are not good enough. It takes us out of the truth of our helplessness and into a sense of control - if only we change ourselves we can then change others. This illusion of control over other people’s feelings about us is difficult for most people to give up.

Paradoxically, accepting our helplessness over others leads us to our personal power. Once we fully accept that we cannot have control over others loving us and taking care of us, we may then finally decide to learn how to take care of our own feelings and needs.. This major step moves us out of being victims of others’ choices and into control over our own lives, which is what we do have control over. We do have control over our own intent to learn about loving ourselves and others, or protect against pain with some from of controlling behavior. You will feel incredibly empowered once you fully accept your helplessness over others. Try it! For one week, try throughout the day reminding yourself that you are helpless over others’ feelings and behavior. You will be astounded at the results!

Once you accept your helplessness over others, then lots of energy is released to take care of yourself. Many of us have been taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. Contrary to taking care of yourself being selfish, taking care of your own feelings and needs is what personal responsibility is all about. As long as you make others responsible for your feelings of worth and lovability, you will try to control how others treat you and feel about you. As soon as you take responsibility for defining your own worth and lovability and taking care of your own feelings and needs, you move out of being a victim and into personal power.

The challenge is to accept our helplessness over others. This is often difficult, because as infants, if we were helpless over getting someone to feed us and attend to us, we would have died. Many of us went through the terror of crying and crying and no one coming to love and care for us. Many of us experienced that life-threatening experience of helplessness over getting others to take care of our needs. We became deeply terrified of the feeling of helplessness and learned to do anything we could to avoid that feeling and that situation.

The problem is that we do not realize that today we are no longer helpless over ourselves as we were as infants. We will not die of someone doesn’t attend to us. We can feed ourselves and call a friend for help if we need it. Yet many people still react to the feeling of helplessness over others as if it were a life and death situation. Many people still do anything they can to avoid feeling helpless, including controlling others or shutting out our feelings with addictive behavior. How often have you found yourself grazing in front of the refrigerator, turning on the TV, grabbing a cigarette without even realizing you were doing it? Often, this addictive behavior is a way to avoid the feeling of helplessness that may have come up in an interaction with someone, or as a way to avoid responsibility for taking care of your own feelings and needs.

The first step in moving beyond controlling and addictive behavior is to be willing to become aware of the feeling of helplessness. Once you are aware of what it feels like in your body, embrace the feeling as you would embrace a small child who is feeling scared. As you bring love to the feeling of helplessness within you rather than avoiding it with controlling and addictive behavior, you will discover that it isn’t as bad as you thought. If you are willing to open to the love that surrounds you in Spirit and bring that love inside to the part of you that feels helpless, this frightened wounded part that just wants to be loved begins to get healed. The more you practice embracing helplessness rather than avoiding it, the more you will move out of being a victim and into your personal power and ability to love yourself and others.

Throughout our lives we have various requirements that must be met. These are our needs and desires, which range from basic physical needs to selfless desire. When any of these are not met, negative physical, mental, and emotional complications and addictions can result, sometimes with distressful consequences. This discussion is about needs.

A need is an explicit requirement, like feeling hungry and demanding to eat or seeking assurance when you feel unloved and insecure. Satisfying a need means that it has been gratified, relieved, and discharged. Once you feel satisfied, your attention easily turns to something else.

The following list of needs is inspired by the work of Abraham Maslow.

Physical needs. Food, water, safety, shelter, health, basic comfort and income.

Security. You feel secure when you feel wanted, accepted, loved, and supported by others, and are able to feel a sense of belonging.

Connection. The drive to meaningfully relate, involve, give and receive, procreate and/or experience sexual fulfillment.

Self-esteem. You need confidence, competence, respect and power. When you feel approval, recognition and admiration from others, you naturally feel these for yourself and others. This develops the confidence needed to risk and strive. From competence and achievement, you develop assurance, poise, and power. Esteem in all these ways is preeminent to favorable development and behavior.

Integrity. This results from fulfilling your agreements with yourself and others. Because you carefully consider possible consequences, you are discerning in your choices and are thereby able to trust yourself.

Satisfying basic needs is primary. Without doing so, you are distracted, out of balance, and out of peace. If numerous needs are unsatisfied, then your disturbances are complicated and magnified. Your daily activities and creative flow are biased and directed toward the satisfaction of your unmet need(s). Your focus is distracted and skewed, your life is entangled with problems, and your fulfillment will be forever compromised.

Since most people don’t know how to address their unmet needs, they turn their attention to what seems easier. And yet it never truly works because weakness arises. For example, a person becomes a great singer, yet never learns how to develop or maintain healthy intimate relationships.

To satisfy basic needs one must feel the insecurity that develops from its lack, then determine the best way to effectively address it. However, many people lack the requisite trust, strength and method by which to do so. This inhibits healthy progress because they fear they will be weakened by admitting the lack; yet they will actually be strengthened.

The key is to identify the unsatisfied need that the negative behavior attempts to satisfy. Next, replace that negative behavior with a positive equivalent. For example, returning alone to her hotel room feeling the high of a concert, the great singer typically orders her favorite goodies, eats heartily, and grows larger. By determining that she never learned how to develop and maintain healthy relationships, she is able to decide how to begin developing satisfying relationships, even while touring.

Indeed, satisfying basic needs is necessary because it provides the foundation for all else to develop, and supports you to reach your optimum levels. Satisfying basic needs is fundamental to clarity, peace, and overall well-being, and supports your potential to be realized.

Feeling frustrated by your job is a very common occurrence. Many people feel they are in a lower position they are capable of performing and are not quite sure how to get to the next level of responsibility. Much of this is caused by the way we have programmed our brains to think and react to situations. An NLP training course can help.

A Brief Definition of Neuro-linguistic programming

Neuro-linguistic programming, or NLP, is a set of models of how communication impacts and is impacted by subjective experience. In addition to being an agent for change, NLP is also used in psychotherapy treatments for problems as diverse as phobias and schizophrenia. NLP also aims at transforming corporations, showing them how to accomplish their maximum potential and achieve great success.

The developers of NLP

The theories and application of NLP were co-created by two men in the 1970’s. One a linguist, John Grinder and his partner Richard Bandler. The initial focus of their experiments in NLP was to discover what gave three psychotherapists the advantage in successfully treating their clients. These three psychotherapists, gestalt therapist Fritz Perls, family therapist Virginia Satir and founding president of the American Society for Clinical Hypnosis, Milton H. Erickson, were more successful in treatment than that of their peers.

Timeline of NLP

1970: Founding and early development

1972: Research of Fritz Perls, Virginia Satir and Milton H. Erickson begins.

1975: Subsequently Structure of Magic Series published

1976-77: Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson published

1979: Frogs into Princes: Neuro Linguistic Programming published

1980: Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Volume I published

1980: Bandler and Grinder go their separate ways

1981: The first of many intellectual property lawsuits begin. NLP Training courses begin to be developed by many individuals. Given the diversity of developers and trainers, there is no single definitive system of NLP.

1982-87: Grinder and Judith DeLozier collaborated to develop the New Code of NLP.

1984-87: Research reviews in experimental counselling psychology by the United States National Research Council gave NLP an overall negative assessment marking a decrease in NLP research interest

1988-89: Bandler develops Design Human Engineering

On a recent trip to a conference, I sat next to a woman on the plane who had missed her last connecting flight due to some airline delays. As a result, Margaret was going to miss a bike tour of the Napa Wine Valley, which she had already paid for. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy about it, as she would not get her payment back, nor have the fun experience she was looking forward to since she had business meetings scheduled the following day. She had fretted about it a great deal the night before. Today, however, she had let go, having realized that much worse things could happen.

While on the plane, she was reading a book about college loans. It turned out that the person sitting on her right was an expert on college loans and he consulted with her for about an hour on how to find the best college loan for her daughter.

I was sitting on her left and coached her around her business and gave her a good idea that could potentially make her a lot of money.

After having both of these conversations, she said, “I guess the universe did me a favor by putting me on this flight and here I was kicking and screaming about it last night.”

We put out in the universe what we need and it will do what it takes to give us that. Often it will come in a form that is totally unexpected and not at all like you would have planned.

If Margaret had not let go and allowed herself to be in acceptance about the situation, she might not have engaged in either conversation or learned so much in such a short time.

While the bike trip was not refundable, she got her return in the form of complimentary consulting and coaching that was probably worth more than the cost of the bike tour of the Napa Valley.

Where are things not going like you planned or wanted? Let go and be open to the universe bringing you something you desire in a form that was even better than you imagined.