Be a Storyteller, Not Just a Speaker
Author: admin
Stories develop themes. The themes chosen to illustrate the possibility of stories are:
Relationships, Choice, Creativity, Making a Difference, Celebration.
Speakers are ordinarily people, from teachers to grandparents, from mountain climbers to cancer survivors. The platform provides them with a privilege and awesome responsibility to share their stories in a way that helps the audience to “wake up.” Good stories make people say, “Wait a minute. I can think or act differently about everything than I did before.” Stories are everywhere. Speakers learn to retrieve them and retell them to audiences as a way to show their humanness to show they care; to open people to possibility thinking and how making mistakes will lead to the courage to finally help them succeed. Because most of us delineate our thoughts visually, great stories help to enhance and even transform our lives.
Be unique. Think funny thoughts. Live and re-live your story when you are telling a story. Words are critical so be sure to pause when necessary and BE IN THE NOW. Your words need to create an image in the audience’s mind so that they can remember your story. They may be a step away from their own story. This will strengthen the connection between you and them.
It’s a good idea to use props to enhance your humor. Remember most people have an attention span of six to eight minutes.
The Coach asks… what is your story?
The Need to Feel Special
Author: admin
From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a “special” place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure to establish a “special” relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she didn’t have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband.
It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother’s attention. Because her mother was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all Jennifer had to do was get angry at her mother and Sarah would capitulate, giving Jennifer the attention she craved. Jennifer learned early to control her mother by becoming angry, critical and withholding love when her mother didn’t do what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer’s neediness, entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness was dependent on approval and attention from others.
Jennifer, now in her late 30’s, finds herself continuing the pattern she started with her mother - attaching to others in needy and demanding ways. The result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any of the men she has dated.
We all have a need to feel special. It is not the need that is dysfunctional, it is how we go about getting the need met that can be either dysfunctional or healthy. It is dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek us out, and attend to our wants and needs in order for us to feel special, our behavior is dysfunctional.
HEALTHY SPECIAL-NESS
You will stop pulling on others to make you special only when you accept the full responsibility of making yourself feel special. This means learning to give yourself all that you may be trying to get from others &ndash treating yourself in the loving ways you desire from others. There are many ways of making ourselves feel special. Instead of trying to get others to give you what you want, you can:
* TAKE EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
o Attend to your feelings throughout the day and explore what you may be doing that is causing painful feelings, rather than making others responsible for your feelings.
o Attend to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.
o Accept yourself rather than judge yourself. Validate yourself, approve of yourself &ndash tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Value your talents and gifts.
o Value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance &ndash your kindness, compassion, creativity, caring.
o Behave in ways that you value &ndash being loving, kind, integreous, compassionate, understanding, caring.
o Pursue work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.
* TAKE PHYSICAL RESPONSIBILITY:
o Feed yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.
o Get enough rest and exercise.
o Create balance between work and play and creative time.
o Make sure you are physically safe such as when riding a motorcycle.
* TAKE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY:
o Make sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon another, if physically able to do so.
o Spend within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt.
* TAKE RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITY:
o Stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than complying, defending or resisting in the face of others’ demands or criticism. Don’t be a victim.
o Refrain from blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings and behavior. Don’t be a victim.
* TAKE ORGANIZATIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
o Do what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.
o Make sure your living space and work environment are clean and tidy, and esthetically pleasing.
* TAKE SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY:
o Take the time to connect with the love and truth of God/Higher Power.
o Take time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your feeling self &ndash your Inner Child.
Treating yourself in these loving ways will eventually result in feeling internally special rather than needing others to make you feel special.
As Jennifer practiced making herself special, she discovered that her relationships with others were becoming stronger and more fulfilling. People were no longer pulling away from her, resisting her, or defending themselves against her demands for attention. Her behavior naturally and gradually changed with others when she was treat herself as a special person.
Surprising to some, answers are not the most potent tool a coach has. Questions are! Questions empower people to invent their own answers and solutions, thus developing them for future challenges.
To discover new possible actions or to move your players toward their intended objectives, always ask these 5 most powerful questions:
1. What must happen? What specific, interim outcomes should be accomplished in the timeframe to achieve your ultimate objective? Depending on the objective, this could be the next day, week, or month.
2. Why do you think so? Examine reasons for the selection of interim outcomes. Are there more important or more urgent outcomes that may have been overlooked?
3. How might that be accomplished? Explore a number of approaches and alternatives. Keep exploring until all known options are exhausted and begin to create new ones. Select actions from the list that will help achieve the interim or partial outcomes.
4. Who will/should/could be the one(s) to do it? Who will perform the tasks? Is it you or should you delegate the action to an employee or request a colleague to do it?
5. When must this be accomplished? Set specific dates of completion for each of your objectives.
Responses to these five questions will form a plan to help players realize their objectives. But, it shouldn’t stop there. Arm yourself with a cornucopia of possible questions. Then, and only then, can you unlock new creative pathways and help your player achieve their dreams.
Are You Addicted to Anger?
Author: admin
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.
As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.
“Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”
“What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?”
“I guess I felt pretty much alone.”
“You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening.”
“Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless.”
“What triggers that helpless feeling now?”
“Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do.”
“So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?”
“I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.
“Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be.”
Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.
It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.
In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.
Choosing A Life Coaching Program
Author: admin
Why do so many self help, positive thinking and motivational seminars, books and audios not work, and what can I do that will work for me?
Some of the things that need to be considered in any realistic and effective life manifestation program are:
The person or people providing the training, mentoring, and/or coaching need to be masters of their own philosophies and living proof that the lessons being taught do actually work.
They need to be providing the information as part of their own ongoing self manifestation. If these important factors are covered then that’s a good place to start.
These things are obviously very important, but I’d like you to consider the following:
Below are my thoughts on the first thing to consider, and what can be done to help ensure successful life manifestation.
Does the program cater for the individual? We are all products of our genetic make up and social conditioning, that’s why we are where we are now, getting through life by reacting to our surroundings. There’s nothing wrong with that, if we react in the way we choose and don’t have someone or something else make that choice for us.
If a program isn’t available to us at a time and place that is truly convenient for us then chances are we will never be able to participate fully, or even complete the program. Therefore we’ll end up right where we started! And blame the course for not working! Because then, we can justify our failure, and continue along the same road we’ve been walking for years, we know this road and it’s familiar to us so we are comfortable here. We have just reinforced the behaviour that got us where we are now. That doesn’t help us does it?
Rewind! Why did we start the course in the first place? Answer because we aren’t comfortable where we are today! Right?
If we want to change this pattern we need to be careful in choosing something or someone to help us to help ourselves.
While it’s easy to understand, theoretically, that in order to make changes we have to take action and start changing the things we do, say, and think, this is akin to asking some of us to run before we can walk. It may be easy for some of us, but for others taking the suggested action in a particular book, program, or course might involve stepping too far out of our comfort zone.
Therefore, a program that is personal and convenient means that we will be able to succeed at a pace that we are comfortable with, help ourselves, and this will give us success.
As you probably know “success breeds success” every time we take a small action and have positive results from it we are able to realistically perceive ourselves achieving more and more. Therefore I truly believe that a program that offers convenience will always be more effective than one that is less convenient to the user.
Beyond the Work-Life Balance
Author: admin
Living through the Success Elements
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
Author: admin
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.
We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, “shoulding” ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things “right” since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works.
Let’s take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large accounting firm. Karl has had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding sugar, fats, and overeating, but after six months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan. In our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big meal the night before. I asked Karl to put himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been feeling.
“Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question and I didn’t remember the facts, so I couldn’t answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head telling me that I’m stupid, that I should have remembered it and ‘What’s the matter with me anyway?’”
“What did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?” I asked.
“Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you know what - that’s when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn’t realize it was in response to that empty feeling that I hate!”
“So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner abandonment, so your Inner Child then feels alone, sad and empty. You are telling your Child that he is not good enough. I know that you don’t do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with yourself, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I think it do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse.”
“So what did you hope for by judging yourself?
“I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn’t forget things.”
“It doesn’t seem to be working.”
“No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead of giving me more control, it gave me less!”
“So you are trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the opposite of what you tell yourself you should do.”
“Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that’s when I really want to eat. So I’m eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I’m abandoning myself, which makes me feel sad and empty, and I’ve always used food to fill up that emptiness. Whew! How do I stop this cycle?”
“You can’t stop it until you are conscious of it. As long as you are doing it unconsciously - on automatic pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do is not try to change it but just notice it. As you become very aware of this pattern, you will have the choice to change it. You will have the choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what you are doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling, and then exploring what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling.”
Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn’t need to eat to take away the pain.
Trust Your Intuition
Author: admin
Are you aware of your inner voice? Do you pay attention to it? I’m not talking about the one who puts you down by the way! I’m talking about the one that softly whispers ideas and suggestions to you &ndash the kind that the other voice might shout down, crying “Are you mad? That requires stepping out of our comfort zone, and that is to be avoided at all costs!” (even if the cost is living a life of mediocrity instead of the one of your dreams)
Sadly, the latter voice is the one most of us are aware of and pay attention to. The more gentle one, that is our intuition, is often ignored &ndash that is if we’re hearing what it tells us at all. The great pity here is that it’s our intuition that really has our best interests at heart. Our gremlin (the louder, more aggressive voice) does have our welfare at heart too, but in a protective way. The intuition’s way is more expansive.
What’s wrong with protecting us? I do hear you thinking that! Well, it limits us and ultimately erodes our well being at a soul level. And believe it or not, but that’s not good for our physical or emotional well being! If you’re unfulfilled at a soul level, slowly and imperceptibly you will develop a nagging feeling of general discontent which can have a rippling effect on your mood, self esteem and ultimately your physical and mental health. But that’s for another article ;o)
The gentle voice of your intuition will, if listened to, stretch you beyond your comfort zone, but never more than you’re capable of. It will challenge you, but also support you. It always has your best interests at heart at every level &ndash physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It will not only gently nudge you in scary directions which will yield huge and unimaginable rewards, but it will also gently warn when to stop or turn around.
When you tune into your intuition and allow yourself to be guided by it you will be surprised at how much easier formerly assumed “challenges” will become. And how much good fortune lands in your lap (we call it synchronicity). And how good you feel &ndash at ease with yourself and all your life experiences, even the ones you wouldn’t choose!
If you’re not used to listening to your intuition, learning to tune into it will require time and patience. At first, you may be unsure which voice is which (especially as your gremlin often sounds very reasonable), and using your intuition is very much like using your physical muscles. You need to use it regularly in order for it to be in the shape you want.
So how do you get to know your intuition better? First of all, start to watch out for hunches, feelings, ideas that crop up. Pay attention to the voice that accompanies it. Is it gentle, positive, supportive? If it’s aggressive, domineering, or using scare- mongering tactics it’s more likely to be your gremlin. If you’re getting a feeling of warning, is it a loud and threatening one (gremlin) or an insistent “knowing” one (intuition).
The scary thing about trusting your intuition when it’s new to you, is that it’s not based on logic and often what it suggests to you cannot be justified logically. But with practice and trust, you’ll learn that the “knowing” that something is the right thing to do is in your best interests. It’ll be easier to shrug off your own gremlin and that of others (who will fear for your best interests on your behalf).
The key to developing the all essential trust is to start small. Don’t make life-changing decisions based on your intuition if you’re not familiar with it (you might still be confusing your two inner voices). Do ask your intuition to guide you with smaller decisions, and wait for the gentle knowing feeling to arrive. Don’t expect an instant answer, but watch out for it &ndash it will come, and you’ll know it when it does.
Over time, as you tune in more and more, you’ll find you suffer less and less with worry or anxiety. You’ll trust all will work out well, and often you’ll find it works out better than you could ever have imagined! :o)
What Is STRESS, And What Causes IT?
Author: admin
What is stress?
Although we tend to think of stress as caused by external issues, issue in themselves are not stressful. It is the way in which we interpret and react to them that makes them stressful. People differ enormously in the type of events they interpret as stressful and the way in which they respond to such stress.
Stress is generally created when the demands made on a person start to exceed that person’s ability, or perceived ability to cope. Essentially a gap is created between what a person needs/wants to do, and what they feel they are able to do.
Many things or even the anticipation of them can lead to stress:
* Pressure to achieve/perform
* Problems at work
* Bullying
* Financial problems
* Arguments
* Family issues
* Divorce
* Bereavement
* Depression
* Unemployment
* Moving house
* Alcohol or drug abuse
Physical Symptoms of Stress may include:
* Tiredness
* Headaches
* Frequent colds
* Trouble sleeping
* Muscular aches/tension
* Nausea
* Sweating, feeling hot and bothered
Emotional and Mental Symptoms of Stress may include:
* Anger
* Anxiety
* Depression
* Irrational fears
* Mood swings
* Irritability
* Frustration
* Poor concentration
* Confusion
* Loss of sense of humour
* Negative thoughts
* Feeling of overwhelmed
* Feeling out of control
* Loss of motivation
Tackling stress
There are many strategies that can help you deal with stress:
* Realise that it is ok to be stressed and cut yourself some slack
* Try to understand what stresses you and why
* Avoid obvious stressful confrontations/situations
* Learn to be more assertive
* Take regular exercise
* Reduce alcohol
* Eat a balanced healthy diet
* Recognise your limits and learn to say no
* Organise your time better
* Keep your work/home space organised and tidy
* Talk to friends or family
* Listen to relaxing music, or read
* Take time out to relax
Alternatively you may benefit complementary therapies like aromatherapy, acupuncture and reflexology.
If your stress level is making it impossible for you to function as normal, it is perhaps worth seeing your GP as extreme or long-lasting stress can be very bad for your health, not to mention your relationships, so it is better to see a doctor sooner rather than later. Your GP can then advise you on the best course of action.
Being an Emotional Victim
Author: admin
None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term “victim” brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to be emotional victims. Having counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, I know that many of us are victims much of the time without realizing it.
We are being victims anytime we give another person the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make approval, sex, things, a substance, or an activity responsible for our feelings of happiness and lovability. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so on. Whenever we choose to define ourselves externally, we are handing away power to others and we then feel controlled by their choices.
When we choose to define ourselves internally through our connection with our spiritual Guidance, we move into personal power and personal responsibility. The moment we sincerely want to learn about our own intrinsic worth and what behavior is in our highest good, and we ask Spirit, we will receive answers. Most people do not realize how easy it is to receive answers from a spiritual Source. The answers will pop into your mind in words or pictures, or you will experience the answers through your feelings, when your sincere desire is to learn.
We always have two choices: we can try to find our happiness, peace, safety, security, lovability and worth through people, things, activities, and substances; or we can feel joyful, peaceful, safe, secure, lovable and worthy through connection with a spiritual Source of love and compassion - taking loving care of ourselves and loving others.
Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we want. Then, when they don’t come through for us in the way we hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices.
Here is an example: Don and Joyce are in a continual power struggle over how to handle their children. Joyce tends to be authoritarian while Don is fairly permissive. When Joyce gets frustrated with Don’s parenting, she generally yells at him about his permissiveness. Don often listens to Joyce rant and rave at him. Sometimes she goes on for over an hour and he just listens. Then, when he tries to talk with her, she refuses to listen. Don then feels victimized, complaining about how Joyce yells at him and refuses to listen to him.
When I asked Don in a counseling session with him why he sits and listens to Joyce, he stated that he hoped if he listened to her she would listen to him. I asked if she ever does listen during these conflicts, and he answered “No.”
“Why do you need her to listen to you?”
“I want to explain to her why I did what I did with the children.”
“Why do you need to explain it to her?”
“So she won’t be mad at me.”
Don allows himself to be yelled at by Joyce as his way of trying to control Joyce, hoping to get her to approve of him. Then he tried to explain to further control how she feels about him. When she won’t listen, he feels victimized by her yelling, blaming her for being such an angry, controlling person.
If Don were willing to take responsibility for approving of himself through his connection with his Higher Power, he would not listen to Joyce when she was yelling at him. Instead, he would set a limit against being yelled at, stating that he would listen to her only when she spoke to him with respect and only when she was open to learning with him. But as long as she has to approve of him for him to feel secure or worthy, he will not set this limit. Until Don opens to his spiritual Guidance for his security and worth, instead of handing this job to Joyce, he will be a victim of her unloving behavior.
Taking responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability through developing our spiritual connection, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out of being victims and into personal power.
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