My Essay Blog

Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.

Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.

As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.

“Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”

“What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?”

“I guess I felt pretty much alone.”

“You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening.”

“Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless.”

“What triggers that helpless feeling now?”

“Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do.”

“So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?”

“I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.

“Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be.”

Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.

It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.

In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.

Why do so many self help, positive thinking and motivational seminars, books and audios not work, and what can I do that will work for me?

Some of the things that need to be considered in any realistic and effective life manifestation program are:

The person or people providing the training, mentoring, and/or coaching need to be masters of their own philosophies and living proof that the lessons being taught do actually work.

They need to be providing the information as part of their own ongoing self manifestation. If these important factors are covered then that’s a good place to start.

These things are obviously very important, but I’d like you to consider the following:

Below are my thoughts on the first thing to consider, and what can be done to help ensure successful life manifestation.

Does the program cater for the individual? We are all products of our genetic make up and social conditioning, that’s why we are where we are now, getting through life by reacting to our surroundings. There’s nothing wrong with that, if we react in the way we choose and don’t have someone or something else make that choice for us.

If a program isn’t available to us at a time and place that is truly convenient for us then chances are we will never be able to participate fully, or even complete the program. Therefore we’ll end up right where we started! And blame the course for not working! Because then, we can justify our failure, and continue along the same road we’ve been walking for years, we know this road and it’s familiar to us so we are comfortable here. We have just reinforced the behaviour that got us where we are now. That doesn’t help us does it?

Rewind! Why did we start the course in the first place? Answer because we aren’t comfortable where we are today! Right?

If we want to change this pattern we need to be careful in choosing something or someone to help us to help ourselves.

While it’s easy to understand, theoretically, that in order to make changes we have to take action and start changing the things we do, say, and think, this is akin to asking some of us to run before we can walk. It may be easy for some of us, but for others taking the suggested action in a particular book, program, or course might involve stepping too far out of our comfort zone.

Therefore, a program that is personal and convenient means that we will be able to succeed at a pace that we are comfortable with, help ourselves, and this will give us success.

As you probably know “success breeds success” every time we take a small action and have positive results from it we are able to realistically perceive ourselves achieving more and more. Therefore I truly believe that a program that offers convenience will always be more effective than one that is less convenient to the user.

Getting into a new community might cause you a difficulty in finding new friends. You barely know anyone. You feel lonely.

Should you just sit down and hope that someone to come to you, take your hand, ask you to be his/her friend?

I don’t think so. You’ve got to make the move.

How to?

1. Look into Yourself

Decide first what kind of persons you’d prefer to be your friends. Do you want to make friends with those who have the same hobbies and interests with you, or the same gender, or the same age? Or, do you wish to be friends with those who have totally different passions so you can find something else more interesting in life.

2. Don’t be shy!

It might not be easy for some people, I know. But, if you keep being a shy person, you wouldn’t make friend easily. As I said earlier, make the move. Strengthen yourself, get rid of any timidity from your heart and approach someone whom you think you have a certain compatibility with.

3. Put that smile on your face

Not a smirk but a sincere and nice smile. People would like those who smile a lot more than whose face is lifeless.

4. Be yourself

Don’t fake anything. If you do, you won’t find it interesting to continue the relationship for you must feel tired of being someone else, not the real you.

5. Don’t be afraid to fail

Don’t expect to get a very good friend at your first attempt. Be ready to fail. Friendship also needs chemistry. There is always a possibility that you don’t have any chemistry with the person that you earlier approached. Or, that person doesn’t have it with you.

Some people are taking friends for granted. But, when they get into a situation when they actually have no friend and have to start one, they realize that friendship is like a flower that needs to be watered and fertilized.

Back home I was always a member of the local badminton club and at a time I was a member of the Weight Watcher’s Club. Both were very effective in my life. I not only got to play my sport, but it served as a large part of my social life. I met some special lifelong friends there. Weight Watchers also served me very well in that it helped me change my perspective on what a healthy diet and exercise lifestyle meant to me and like the many badminton clubs I supported over the years, Weight Watchers was a place where I met many supporting and like-minded people.

I chose to use my positive experiences with clubs when I relocated overseas and got involved with different clubs that suited my interests such as the dance club, the “Learn Korean” club, the singles club, the fitness club and of course last but not least, the badminton club.

I have, however found that too often when expats relocate, they tend to shy away from joining clubs. There may be various reasons namely: being overwhelmed by everything that is happening; being fearful of walking into a new club for the first time; not knowing the language; laziness etc.

But time and time again in the different countries I have been fortunate enough to work and live, I have found joining clubs to be an excellent way to quickly meet diverse groups of people. Clubs offer so many different facilities ranging from playing fields and organised sporting teams, to squash courts and swimming pools. But as already mentioned, joining clubs are not limited to the sports arena. There are book clubs, expat support clubs, cooking clubs, and chess or scrabble clubs, AA clubs, monthly travel clubs, the Rotary club, Toastmasters, the local Lions club and the list goes on.

Many clubs provide food and beverages at good rates and often prepare for special functions such as Halloween, Thanksgiving, Guy Fawkes, birthdays or other special days that are celebrated in your home country. Organising a function yourself at a club is also an easy and cheap option.

You could organize a variety of leisure opportunities such as dinners, wine tastings, trivia nights, costume parties, potluck dinners, movie nights, and cultural activities. For couples with children I have found that the majority of clubs are very accommodating and have groups for mothers and their children. They often provide a range of classes and activities starting with ballet or karate classes going all the way through to finger painting afternoons.

And then, please do not forget about your local library! No matter the size, the library is very often the very hub of the community. I am so thankful for all those afternoons when I sat at the library emailing family and friends for hours at a time and for free. Libraries are also more often than not, a great source for all kinds of local information.

If you look close to home, the companies you work for usually offer a wide range of club activities. Make it your business to find out what is available right at your fingertips. Special rates are always made available to staff members.

Joining clubs can be very helpful in making your expat living experience a success.

If you think about it, club hopping may be just the thing you need.

Action Plan for The Week

* Decide which club you want to join.

* Find out all the information and details you need to know.

* Determine a date by which you will commit to signing up.

* Join.

* Have fun!

Quote For The Week

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” Jack London.

Three Club Trivia Questions (true or false)

* Toastmasters was founded in America.

* The motto for the Lions club is “Unity and Strength”

* Rotary clubs are presented in over 100 countries in the world.

Answers:

* True: It was founded in Oct 1924 at the YMCA in Santa Ana, California.

* False: “We serve”

* True: 167 countries to be specific.

***TRIVIA***

All 3 clubs originated in the USA

Teaching a child the fundamentals of reading involves helping them learn the sounds each of the letters make and then joining those sounds together to form words. It’s amazing watching and listening to a child as they string sounds together and make a word. They are thrilled and excited at their accomplishment and for the parent or teacher guiding them, it’s a wonderful moment.

Children use this skill to learn new words as they begin to grow. Over time they are able to recognize words and instead of sounding the letters out individually they recall the entire word from memory. As the child grows and reads more and more they are able to read at a faster rate because they recognize many of the words.

One of the principles of speed reading is very much the same. The speed reader picks out the words in the text that they are reading that are essentially keywords. They are the words that stand out and hook the reader. By focusing on these words they are able to get a good grasp of the information and can do that without reading the material word for word. Having the ability to do this would obviously speed up anyone’s reading time substantially.

Another approach that some people who are adept at speed reading use is they very quickly scan the book or document they will be reading and pick out important words and phrases that give them a general idea of the information. After doing this, they read the material through briskly, absorbing more. This approach gives them an overview of the information during the first quick scan and then the second read through gives the speed reader a complete picture.

By approaching their reading in this way they are able to grasp the most pertinent information and when they are done speed reading it, they will have a good understanding of the context. This approach works well and it is used by many people who are able to speed read. It can also work for people who have to retain a substantial amount of information in a short amount of time. They may not consider themselves speed readers but they are, in the sense that whenever you scan a newspaper article or a magazine looking for specific information you are picking out certain phrases. You may not read the entire text of the piece, but you certainly have absorbed the major points of it and have a better than average understanding of it.

Everyone can gain useful information by quickly scanning text before thoroughly reading the material. Although it’s a technique that aids in speed reading, it can help the average person retain more information as well. Your mind focuses in on the key phrases during the first go through and as you read through a second time you pick up and absorb even more information.

Although not everyone has the desire to learn how to speed read, there are small tips we can take from those who do, that can help in our everyday reading adventures.

An audio book is something that many people find very useful. It is always nice to be able to read a book, but sometimes we simply do not have the time, or we find out that we aren’t reading at the right level to actually enjoy a book that we want to read. In these situations, audio books are excellent ways to keep up with your reading. However, they can be very expensive to buy.

Easy to Find

Are you tired of running around trying to find audio books at your local bookstore and ending up finding them for much more than you are willing to pay? Luckily, because of online retailers, you can buy discount audio books for much less than you would pay in stores.

If you check out material from the library, due dates always loom over your head and you may end up paying late fees or even the price of the book if you lose or damage it. With your own audio books, you can listen to them at leisure again and again.

Times to Use

Even if you don’t think you’d listen to an audio book, chances are good that you’d find the time. First of all, have you ever thought of all the time that you spend driving? There are often long periods of time where you have nothing to do but listen to the radio. If you are listening to audio book you are actually going to be keeping up on your reading and enjoying new books, and you aren’t going to have to pay an arm and a leg for it.

Also, audio books come in very handy when you are working with people who might not have a very high reading level. Often, in literacy programs and in other programs, people want to learn how to read. However, when they are in the early stages and aren’t able to read much, they are bored with the literature that is made for beginning readers. Audiobooks can help these people by providing them with reading help. They can follow along as the book is read and learn more than ever about reading.

Learn more about discount audio books and to find out how you can incorporate them into your lives. You are going to find that discount audio books are a great way to keep up with your reading and not miss out on what those with extra time on their hands are able to read. You’ll be able to read while still getting on with your life.

Living through the Success Elements