My Essay Blog

This past Friday I was asked to speak with a person, who just signed into a home-based networking business — which I know is one of the most effective entrepreneurial methods for an average person to achieve true financial success. My entire conversation/coaching session with this individual was based on the simple theme of working your plan and committing long-term with no thought of ever quitting until the achievement of your ultimate outcome.

What is the #1 point that you should stress to someone who decides to become your fellow teammate and business partner? I would definitely say that it is erase the following words from your vocabulary: I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME. Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day! Over the next 7 days, try keeping a detailed log of where you invest your time.

Time is the universal currency, which God blesses everyone with. However, it is those who choose to invest time wisely that succeed. Every winner in life could have easily said, “Well you know it sounds great, but I do not have the time to do anything.” You need to look deep into your spirit and realize that time is an incredible gift and you need to cherish the gift by investing it very effectively.

The overall attitude of most people these days is that everything is so hard for them but easier for everyone else. There is a very thin line between winning and losing, and it all begins with setting your mind to the correct channel - channel W for winning — no matter whatever anyone else says or thinks. I know you can achieve all of your dreams in life if you just erase from your vocabulary, “I do not have the time.”

Take a minute right now and look at where you sow your time. Wherever you sow your time will ultimately determine your future harvest. Invest (sow) it wisely and achieve (reap) your Dreams! Be conscious of saying or hearing -”I do not have the time.”

Find your WHY & FLY!

John Di Lemme

.FindYourWhy.com

“Resistance is thought transformed into feeling. Change the thought that creates the resistance, and there is no more resistance.” Robert Conklin

Resistance is your mind saying NO. Then your mind translates that to your body. When I feel resistance, I feel a stuck feeling in my body. It is as if the natural humming flow has congealed. Watch for that experience while you are working on changing your life. Consider it information. See if you get any ideas what it’s about.

Three Signs of Resistance:

1. Forgetting or becoming too distracted to complete that is important to you; for example, while working with a self-help book, all of a sudden you seem to forget your transformation project and find yourself watching TV or playing computer games or some other distraction that takes you away from your intended goal.

2. Becoming too busy to complete things that are important to you and believing you have to do something for someone else; for example, while working with your self-help book you find you are too busy to do what you thought you wanted to do in the book or you have to help a friend in their life.

3. Losing interest in completing projects or following through on things that are important to you; for example, while working with your book, you seem to have lost interest in the project.

Any one of these signs is most likely resistance speaking. Having a support partner relationship in place helps assure that you overcome any resistance that arises.

As you begin to watch for it, you will likely find resistance is quite familiar. Resistance is just the opposite of willingness. You may be using resistance to give yourself a breather, however, monitor your breather and challenge yourself to go beyond it and stick to the changes that will give you the life you want.

People think that meditation is hard and that you need to be a full time monk to be able to meditate properly.

That’s simply not true.

Absolutely anyone can learn how to meditate quickly and easily. You don’t have to go through an elaborate ritual to be able to meditate. Put simply, meditation is way to get in touch with your inner self.

Here are some tips to make your meditation even easier:

1. Choose the right teacher. Whether you are learning meditation with an online course or in a local group, pick a teacher you get on with and one who is teaching the kind of methods you get along with.

2. Learn to relax your body. As a typical tensed up westerner, this may be the biggest skill you need to learn. But once you learn how to relax, you’ll find meditation so much easier. By the way, don’t stress yourself about learning to relax either!

3. Take it easy. No-one is going to give you a SATS test on meditation. It doesn’t matter if you take longer to learn meditation that someone else. It’s absolutely fine if you take your time to learn a technique. Everyone has their own speed of learning.

4. Respect yourself and others. Treat yourself and others respectfully. If you find yourself attracting negative people, change the signals you’re sending out (meditating regularly will help with this).

5. Get rid of distractions. Turn off your cell phone while you are meditating. Close down that chat window. Turn off the television (that’s good advice anyway, whether for meditating or not).

6. If possible, join a meditation group. Meditation is much more fun in a group and you’ll find that others are finding the same learning curve as you are. Groups generate their own energy &ndash the sum of the whole truly is greater than the sum of the parts. Joining a group can widen your circle of friends and can be a booster to your confidence. Depending on the group’s aim, you may also learn about different meditation techniques as the group progresses.

7. Simply let go. The word “meditation” means trying to let go. Go with the flow. Allow what is happening to happen. Don’t fixate on exactly what your meditation experience should or shouldn’t be.

The definition of success may be different for every person, but when getting to grips with the term, essentially it is about who you are, and who you are becoming. It is about living up to your potential and achieving your dreams. Your success is what will bring you a life of contentment, pride and enthusiasm in your accomplishments.

Too often than not though, we make lists of goals we want to achieve, but the list remains on the nightstand or kitchen table. The words do not move from the page and success seems to elude us. Regardless of what success means to you, there are strategies for making it all happen and come true for you. It is not as difficult as it may seem and is not only meant for certain people.

Are there goals you want to reach in your host country? Are there dreams you want to see happen before repatriation? I have spoken to expatriates who had such high hopes of using their years abroad to their fullest potential, but leave the borders feeling deflated and wishing they had used their time more successfully. If this is you right now, you can still make it all happen for you by applying some easy strategies that work if followed consistently and with enthusiasm.

Take action and move. Move both physically and spiritually. It could be as easy as buying a book you have been wanting to read, but get off the couch and move. If you don’t move you fall behind and then it takes double the amount of effort to play “catch up”. In other words - actively pursue your dreams and get into action. Write down your goals. Be as literary as you need to be and put pen to paper writing down in detail exactly what it is you want to achieve and what kind of life you want to live. To ensure that you do not set yourself up for failure, make the goals specific, measurable and hold yourself accountable. You do not have to do this alone, ask a friend, spouse or colleague to help you be accountable if need be and if that works for you. Remain open to possibilities, suggestions and support from others and be creative. Be careful not to shut yourself off to new ideas, new thinking, new challenges and new experiences. One never knows what opportunities may be waiting behind closed doors. Embrace all the “luck” that comes your way once you get into action. It is true that that Life rewards effort exponentially, no matter how small the effort or how challenging the obstacles. So, do not be afraid to visualize your highest goals and stay on a path of action to achieve them.

Suggestion for setting goals

Set goals that are yours and not someone else’s dream for you. It may sound selfish, but it is essential to you following through. Before setting your goals, take time to look at your thoughts and beliefs. Self-awareness is the key to making the best choices.

Some key areas in which you might consider writing your goals, if you have not already, include: family, spirituality, career, interests, lifestyle, financial, self-growth, health and well-being.

Give a plus to each of these areas you are happy with and a minus to each of the areas you are unhappy with at this present time. Choose one of the minus areas you are most unhappy with and make your beginning here. This is your first step to a happier and more successful YOU.

Quote of the week

“Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” George Sheehan

In recent years there has been a significant rise in the demand for mentors and coaches. The driving forces behind this are: executives, managers and other specialists are increasingly expected to demonstrate that they are undertaking significant professional development; the workplace and business employment environment is becoming even more competitive; the influence of the emerging industrial nations is forcing radical changes in the skill mix required of managers and other professionals in the developed countries; the diversity of personal and professional skills, knowledge, and expertise needed to be successful in today’s global business environment. As this demand has increased, so has the diversity of roles played and the range of services offered. Indeed, there are so many variations and combinations of mentoring and coaching, that it is increasingly difficult to differentiate between them and almost impossible to categorise the variations available.

Workplace mentoring is, despite appearances, a structured, organised, element of the organisation’s training and development activity. It is, however, usually quite separate from organised training activities and from the formal appraisal process carried out by the line-manager. This formal, hierarchical relationship that exists between a person and their line-manager is usually not a suitable vehicle for a mentoring relationship. Mentoring generally takes the form of a confidential, one to one relationship, where a more senior person, at least one position higher than the line-manager of the person being mentored, helps a more junior one to make progress, usually as part of a planned development programme, such as management fast-tracking, preparing for a more senior post, or leading a phase of workplace activity, such as a project. The mentor offers guidance and advice, in a supportive and non-threatening manner, but in a format and style which is designed by the organisation’s human resource department and then monitored by that department. The aim is to provide the recipient with support that will enable them to move forward confidently and to achieve their personal workplace objectives and also the objectives set for them by the organisation.

In an organisational setting, coaching has traditionally been part of the supervisory role played by line-managers, or more experienced employees, who show less experienced colleagues how to carry out an activity, or set of activities, competently. This is by default part of the cyclical process of developing an individual’s skills, evaluating their performance, appraising their progress, carried out by the line manager. If the line manager does not carry out the coaching personally, they will have arranged for an experienced employee, usually within the same team as the person being coached, to deliver the coaching. In this context, coaching is, in effect, the teaching of a skill until the skill is learnt and can be consistently performed, independently, to the required standard. Although the majority of this type of coaching is delivered by people who are more experienced, it is not always the case that they are more senior. Often, because the coach is explaining or demonstrating a skill, or process, the coach can be a younger person, but someone who is capable of passing on their skills to others who are less experienced in that activity.

Today, the traditional roles of mentors and coaches can still be seen in action. However, in many organisations, and particularly in most business sectors apart from the heavy industries and manufacturing, there has been considerable change. The main changes have been in the widening of the range of coaching approaches and the merging of mentoring and coaching into one approach, generally under the title of Coaching. Despite the best efforts of some academics and management gurus, senior managers in some organisations, and the human resource purists, the terms mentor and coaching, and the roles, are now used interchangeably in many business sectors. The main reason for this is that individuals are demanding and expecting their mentor-coach to have a wide range of skills that encompasses the best features of both categories. Many organisations are also establishing mentor-coaching systems that also combine the best practices of both. The result is that, increasingly, the terms are in effect synonymous, and what one individual or organisation will label as Mentor, another will label as Coach.

Also, many individuals are arranging to work with a personal coach, whose role is a combination of mentor and coach. This is similar to the relationship between a sports person, for example athlete, and their persona coach, and that between individuals and their personal fitness trainer. In the business and professional development world, the result is a hybrid of mentoring and coaching that most people now label as Personal Coaching.

The ideal mentor is a person who has been trained in mentoring techniques, and has a blend of appropriate work experience, qualifications, and general business knowledge, that can be used to guide and advise a particular mentee. In addition it is very important that the mentor is a person who has an enthusiasm, if not a passion, for helping others to develop, fulfil their potential, and achieve their and the organisation’s objectives.

The ideal coach is a person who has been trained in coaching techniques, has a broad range of experience and expertise, has knowledge and understanding of current business activity and trends, and an understanding of how an individual’s career and professional development should be tailored in order to assist that person in being successful in achieving their development objectives.

As can be seen, there great similarities in the two roles, and, as a result, the differences are virtually indistinguishable and they are now frequently combined. Both are expected to have appropriate knowledge and experience, both must be skilled in: listening actively; communication techniques; being able to understand the work and personal environment of the person being coached; building a rapport and developing a relationship; asking appropriate questions; directing the coachee to other sources of help when appropriate; identifying, agreeing and setting goals; helping to devise action plans to achieve the goals; helping to monitor and make adjustments to the plans; and finally, knowing when it is time to end the relationship.

A coach works with individuals and organisations to help them to achieve higher levels of performance and-or specific goals. The coach will, by necessity, take into account past performance and events, but focuses on actions and goals for the future. The approach is action oriented, focusing on where the client is now, where they want to be in the future, and how best to get them there. This framework is familiar to those involved in strategic planning or project management, as it is the foundation of both. The coach takes this simple, structured approach, and builds on it to develop a plan of action that will enable them to help their client achieve their objectives.

For individuals, the benefits can be many, including helping the individual to: avoid making mistakes in their business or personal lives; achieve more, in less time; minimise current problems; effectively prepare for potential difficulties; be happier with their personal and-or work life; achieve career or personal development targets; change career or career direction; become more effective and influential in all areas of their life; be more attractive to others, in their career and professional development and-or their personal life.

For organisations, the benefits are similar. They include: learning from a person who has a broad range of knowledge; obtaining independent, unbiased, objective, advice and guidance; gaining improvements to productivity, quality levels, customer satisfaction, shareholder value; gaining increased commitment and satisfaction levels in operational and management staff; improved staff retention; supporting other training and development activity; visible evidence that the organisation is committed to developing and improving; establishing an effective process for organisational development.

The role of mentoring and coaching has changed radically over recent years. However, the changes are generally accepted as being positive ones, and today coaches are accepted as an integral feature of the development process, both for individuals and for organisations. As always, great care must be taken to ensure that the coach and any process that is undertaken is appropriate for the particular client, but with this caveat, it is now clear that coaches have an important role to play in the development of individuals and organisations in today’s business world. As the pace of change and the complexity of business activity increases, it is certain that coaches will continue to play a key role in helping individuals and organisations manage that change and complexity more effectively.

If you find yourself going to work with the best intentions of making the most of every minute, but end up at the close of the day wondering where it all went, the chances are that you’ve been hijacked by the Time Stealers.

Time Stealers are people who, without anything to do with their own time, steal yours from you as well. They fill up their hours by wasting yours. Often these are close colleagues, customers, even your own boss, so it can be difficult to know how to deal with them. But, unless you want to join this gang of thieves, you must learn to say No to Time Stealers.

1. Manage Your Interruptions. One of the reasons why we allow others to take over our time at work is our need to know what is going on. Henry Mintzberg, professor of management at McGill University in Montreal, discovered that the majority of a manager’s time is spent receiving and responding to hearsay, rumour, and news. Managers feel a great need to know what’s going on and they do this by letting themselves be interrupted by others. If this is you, you need to be aware of how much of your time is usefully spent in this way, and how much is wasted. In short, you need to know how to manage your interruptions.

2. Avoid These Three Groups. One of the keys to managing your interruptions is to distinguish between people who bring you useful information and those who don’t. This latter group comprises three types in particular that you should avoid like the plague:

• moaners, whingers and complainers

• the coffee-set who congregate during work

• the watering-hole set who congregate after work.

Socialising with your team is fine if you can control it. Excessive socializing is like begin sucked into a time-consuming swamp.

3. Stay Clear Of the Gossipers. in 1650, Jeremy Taylor, chaplain to King Charles I, wrote a book called “Holy Living” in which he warned against the dangers of wasting time on gossip. He said, “Avoid the company of busybodies and all such as are apt to talk much to little purpose. For no man can be provident of his time that is not prudent in the choice of his company. And if one of the speakers be vain, tedious and trifling, he that hears and he that answers in the discourse are equal losers of their time.”

4. Learn To Be Brief. In business, your time is your money. Wasting time with unnecessarily long meetings with others is a way to let money trickle down the drain. Channing H Cox once visited President Calvin Coolidge whom he had succeeded as Governor of Massachusetts. Cox, who was often detained at his desk until well into the evening, was astonished to learn that Coolidge was able to see so many people and still leave the office at 5.00pm.

“What’s the difference?” Cox asked.

“You talk back,” replied the President.

5. Get The Briskness Habit. When you learn how to be brisk with others, without being rude, you’ll find a great ally in your quest to control your time. Clement Attlee, prime minister of post-war Britain, was known for his briskness at cabinet meetings. His knack was to stifle unnecessary talk. One of Attlee’s exchanges ran as follows:

“A good paper, minister. Do you need to add anything?” (ie there’s no need to say anything if it’s just a repeat of what’s in the paper).

“Has anyone any objections?” (ie don’t say anything if it’s already been covered).

“Right, then. Next item.”

6. Be Graciously Ruthless With Unwanted Callers. So, what if you do get people who want to trap you in your office and steal your time? How do you get rid of them without being rude? The answer is to be polite but determined. Here are some techniques to use:

• ask directly what they want and how long they might be

• suggest a time when you know you’ll be free

• have a regular “green period” slot when you are free each day to see people

• don’t succomb to the temptation of a break from what you’re doing

• agree to meet them at their workplace

• point out that what you are doing is important and ask if their interruption is more important

• use appropriate body language to indicate they are not welcome to stay, for example, stand up, perch on the edge of the desk, move towards the door, avoid eye contact.

Use these techniques and you’ll be letting people know that while you’re willing to be gracious with people, you’re going to be ruthless with your time.

The way you manage your time is one of the most public ways you manage your life. Treat your time as something that is cheap or worthless and you’ll fall prey to the Time Stealers. Treat your time as precious and valuable, and you’ll defeat the time stealers and stay time-rich.

I was speaking to an acquaintance recently who shrugged off the topic of motivation and self-empowerment as “just fluff”. He suggested that the fancy words of my business were just hype that is good for the moment in “juicing” someone up, but in the long run there is no substance to it all and a person could do better without it because in the end it is what a person accomplishes in life that matters. I hold that ideas are essential and that the worth of a human does not depend so much on what he or she accomplishes, but on what he longs to accomplish in his heart. What do you believe on this? I am reminded of the words of Kahlil Gibran who once said, “The significance of a man is not in what he attains but in what he longs to attain” so I am comforted to have at least one ally.

Because chance and circumstance befall us all as a wise proverbialist once wrote, a person may be held back from accomplishing the great things in life they would have if the wheel of misfortune had not turned against them. I know a great man who was a bishop in my church and he was in the midst of accomplishing great things with many people, helping to change the lives of entire families because of his wise instruction and counseling. Then one day this friend of mine suffered a stroke, one that took away the use of his right side and his speech. After that he became practically useless in his ability to function as a whole person. His influence vanished from us in the church and it was felt by all from the least to the greatest of us. We felt a hole where there was once brilliant inspiration.

I believe it is what a person longs to accomplish that matters, not what he or she actually does accomplish. You see if he/she longs to accomplish some great thing, then that fire “to do” burns in the soul forever, driving and directing a person like a compass on a ship through the dark night on a turbulent ocean; and should the weather change and good fortune present itself, the burning drive of those noble longings find place to produce, yes accomplish much. However if the weather should not change, and rough oceans and bad circumstances prevail it matters not, for the driving force shall still reside in the person burning bright making that person right of heart at least, and will await the opportune time if it shall come to then accomplish what dreams were intended to do.

Chance and circumstance befall us all. That’s why the significance of a person should never be judged by what they have accomplished alone. We all have the potential to be someone great. But what we long for determines the present and the future? That is what matters. Like my friend the bishop who was stricken with a terrible illness that took his ability away, he shall be made whole again, and you too may awaken from your paralysis as he undoubtedly will someday. So my friend do not give up, but press on for if your heart is true to right principles, and if good conditions present themselves, as sure they will one day, you too will realize the results of your dreams. For today it is yours and mine to long for what we will. Your empowerment comes from what you desire.

I’LL START TOMORROW (WELL, MAYBE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW)

Are you one of those people who seem very comfortable with self-defeating acts in the moment? But later, when the moment has passed, do you hate yourself for behaving that way? Do you know anyone (including yourself) who indulges a passion for desserts no matter what the cost? Do you wonder why his or her (or your?) sense of regret doesn’t lead to different eating choices the next time? Do you (or anyone you know) distract yourself from important tasks such as schoolwork or a job by partying, watching TV, daydreaming, and so on, and then justify it to yourself or others? It may feel great at the time, but the remorse that inevitably follows is like that killer hangover that also fails to motivate constructive changes. When you promise yourself to do better the next time&ndashas you do when you say “I’ll start my diet next week” and you still fail to follow through&ndashyou’re left with a strong sense of betrayal, remorse, and guilt for having failed . . . yet again.

ARE YOUR FANTASIES A SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL SATISFACTION?

Are your fantasies the major source of your happiness? Think about your weight fantasies, your relationship fantasies, your sex fantasies, your fantasies about power, parenting, money, and success. If you want to make your fantasies become realities, you need to change. Pick your dream. Go ahead. Is it a dream of being powerful, admired, creative, great in bed, wealthy, the world’s best parent? We all have dreams&ndashnothing wrong with that and nothing too surprising either. What is surprising is how often these dreams remain out of reach to us despite our great desire to achieve them and despite knowing that our happiness depends on fulfilling them.

LOVE, SEX, AND ROMANCE, OR WHY YOU CAN’T GET NO SATISFACTION

Remember your fantasies about acquiring great sexual power, appeal, and success like movie stars? Remember your dreams of great everlasting love from the protagonists of romance novels? As adults, if these fantasies don’t become transformed into realistic life satisfactions, it’s a sign of serious underlying conflicts. Does that mean that perfect beauty and/or a buff physique are necessary for happiness? No. We all probably know people who are average in looks but very powerful in sex appeal. And there are those who are well endowed with looks but are inept at romance and love. The important question is, how and why do we fall short, and why is it so difficult to change?

Here are some common signs of underlying trouble. You’re great at seducing someone, but run the other way as soon as he or she falls in love with you. You lose interest in sex with a willing, attractive, and sexy partner, yet there was no such problem in the beginning of the relationships. You need pornography, or fantasies with someone else, or fantasies of your partner having sex with someone else, in order to get aroused. You need a good fight with your spouse as a prelude to sex. If you notice that any of these issues apply to you, you’ll soon learn what’s behind these patterns, and how to use that information to overcome them.

SEXUAL AFFAIRS, OR NEVER GETTING TOO INVOLVED WITH ONE PERSON

What do you think motivates someone to have affairs when it can be so completely detrimental to one’s well being? You may say that the person who is engaging in the affair feels excited, or is having a great adventure, but in fact the behavior is usually truly self-destructive. The chapter “Why Can’t I Fall in Love or Stay in Love” will explain why so many people have affairs instead of serious long-term relationships.

ANOTHER BAD RELATIONSHIP, OR WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN?

For many of us, it’s hard to understand the motivation of people who complain about partners who mistreat them but don’t stand up for themselves and/or leave. You yourself may notice that you have an ability to attract a desirable partner, but then become critical of him or her.

Why, you wonder, do you (or others) choose partners with qualities that seem so mismatched with your (their) own? What do you make of the shy person married to a domineering person? Ever wonder how you’d be affected if you needed to have everything in its place but were married to a disorganized slob? Why make that choice in the first place?

As you read on and start recognizing a few simple principles, you’ll find that it’s becoming much easier to figure out the choices you and others make.

WHEN SUCCESS AND MONEY ELUDE YOU, OR I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER

Failure to achieve success, to make their ambitions come true, is a major source of distress for a lot of people. Does career or school success elude you completely, or do you undermine yourself after you achieve success at work or school?

Perhaps you dropped out of school even though you wanted to be someone? Maybe you’re a perennial student who’s afraid to graduate into the real work world? Or maybe you can’t reach your professional goals despite having talent to spare and opportunities waiting? So what’s the problem? Is it possible that your problems with success revolve around money? Many people habitually lose money when investing, even though they have years of experience in the market and have read everything on the subject. Do you have similar problems with money and success?

Have you ever noticed that after accomplishing academic, career, or financial goals, some people become increasingly anxious or depressed? Have you ever seen someone avoid taking credit for the successful outcome of a big project while attributing the success to others or to simple “good luck”? Do you find it ironic that the happiness normally associated with personal achievement is replaced by worry, unhappiness, or excessive modesty? Sometimes problems with success and money are really about the following two issues, best summed up as: Why Am I Such a Wimp? And I’m a Worthless Nobody. Let’s tackle the Wimp issue first.

WHY AM I SUCH A WIMP, OR A LACK OF ASSERTIVENESS AND POWER

Think of the word “power.” What comes to mind? Is it a picture of an influential person who realizes his or her goals, leads organizations, garners respect, and gains admiration? Why is it that for some people, personal power seems to fail them at every turn of their lives? A lack of personal power doesn’t just show up at work or at home, it rears its head in the most unexpected places, too.

When you’re susceptible to sales people who want you to buy products that you don’t really want and definitely don’t need, your lack of personal power is showing. When you can’t turn down requests for money, or conversely, you say no to any and all requests and suggestions&ndashoops, it’s your lack of personal power again. How do you explain people who always act self-sacrificing and can’t help but put others’ needs first? Yes, you’ve got it, it’s that pesky lack of personal power. Now let’s go on and see about this “worthless nobody.”

WHY AM I A WORTHLESS NOBODY?

Many people are plagued by negative behaviors and thoughts that affect their ability to be liked and to feel good about themselves. Does this sound familiar&ndashyou can’t accept a compliment, and you’re unable to let yourself be the center of attention? Then there are people who criticize themselves excessively. Ever encountered thoughts like this in yourself? “I’m a baby.” (For “baby” you can substitute words like “no good,” “lazy,” “stupid,” and a whole host of others.) Once you have the word in your head, is it hard to get it out of your head? If so, you can consider yourself to be a member of the “Worthless Nobody Club.” Not one you probably want to be a member of, and one that we’ll deal with in greater detail later. When we do, you may find ways to resign your membership from the club and move on.

ARE YOUR LITTLE ANGELS LITTLE DEVILS IN DISGUISE?

Anyone who has raised children knows how often you can be blindsided by their unexpected behaviors, behaviors that provoke you and are difficult for you to deal with. Some of these exasperating actions are normal parts of a child’s early development, like acting cooperatively, then immediately afterward refusing to do what you want, or like getting very close to you, only to reject you one minute later for the other parent, and like turning to you for comfort, love, and advice, then ignoring you.

If you are overly sensitive to any of these behaviors, and react by acting hurt or threatened, it will cause your children to behave in more extreme and more provoking ways. Chapter 16, “I’ve Become My Mother/Father and My Child Is a Pain,” addresses the question, Why do some of these patterns become increasingly rigid and unyielding as some children get older (especially during adolescence)? Why does this happen no matter how frustrated, angry, pleading, or cajoling you become, no matter how many rewards you promise? You find yourself wondering “What’s gotten into them?” as if they’ve become possessed by the devil, or as if one of the plagues sent down on the Pharaoh was visited upon you instead.

The key to overcoming these problems is to understand which one of your behaviors (hidden from your awareness) is responsible for the behavior that you can’t stand in your child. This book will help you identify which of your words and your deeds are responsible, and then will show you how to use this information to help them get on track.

THE NEW SEE FOOD DIET, OR EATING EVERYTHING YOU SEE

Everyone who has had a weight problem at some time in his or her life can appreciate how difficult it can be to keep under control. In spite of the abundance of diets that prevail, a large number of people continue to overeat and hate themselves for it. If this is the case, then clearly there must be some hidden self-defeating motivations that are responsible for the compulsive habit of overeating in spite of “best intentions.” In the chapter “Why Am I Fat and Why Can’t I Lose Weight?” I’ll describe the six underlying reasons for this. If this is one of your own problems, reading on will help you discover which motive applies to you.

WHY CAN’T YOU GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, OR SO YOU THINK YOU LEFT HOME?

Why does behavior we hate that originates in childhood continue far into adult life when we’re not even living with our family? If we’re no long under the influence of our parents or our siblings, why are we still controlled by the self-defeating beliefs that have their roots with them? Later in this book, I’ll show you a chart called “How You Create New Moral Codes to Live By” and you’ll understand how you create new moral codes for yourself. The codes or rules are all based on experiences you had while dealing with your parents’ and/or your siblings’ flaws.

My business experience has taught me one true thing: That maximizing your productivity, happiness, peace, or impact can best be accomplished if you clearly understand the 12 Rules of Time.

1. Have goals

Being more efficient with your time is irrelevant if you don’t know how you want to spend it. In managing time, the compass is more important than the clock. Know where you want to go and spend your time on the things that get you there.

Many people spend energy trying to be more efficient without first doing what’s important: setting goals. It’s like being lost on your way to a new city. Driving faster doesn’t help if you are going in the wrong direction. Figure out what direction to go in and head that way.

Once you’ve prepared it, your list of goals will reveal what is important to you.

2. Analyze how you spend your time

It is always good to know how you’re spending your time right now. You can track this by setting a timer to go off every 15 minutes; whenever it sounds, write down exactly what you are doing. Alternatively, divide your day into 15-minute blocks and record each activity you do.

Once you have your time logs, examine them. How do they compare to your goals? Are you spending time where your priorities are?

3. Keep a to-do list

This sounds too simple, but it really is the basis of all time-management systems. Your to-do list can be electronic, on fancy paper, bound in a notebook or loose-leaf. The key is to have everything you want to accomplish on one list. My to-do list might have a one-line item on it, such as “write annual report,” which refers me to a much larger file or even a file box on that item.

4. Prioritize your list

Once you have the list, determine which are the important items. Mark these with a highlighter, a red pen, or in any other way that makes them stand out.

I sometimes find my to-do list is too big. Every item on the list calls out “pay attention to me!”, even though most of them weren’t highlighted as important. In these cases, I take a blank sheet of paper and cover my to-do list and write down only the three or four most important items. Those are the ones to focus on.

5. Control procrastination

I use a number of tricks to break any lingering tendencies to procrastinate. For instance, I happen to like having a hard copy of my digital to-do list. I reprint it every few days as new items are added and completed ones dropped. It is at these times that I look for the items that I’ve marked as high priority, but which are just not getting done.

People often say I have great self-control. In truth, though, much of it is environment control. I control my environment to eliminate things that I might use to procrastinate. Take games off your computer, for example, sell your TV, and get rid of the busywork jobs that you use to avoid the important tasks.

I have developed one effective habit that has helped break me of procrastination: “Do the worst thing first.” At the beginning of every day, I do the one task that is causing me the most stress, and that I haven’t been getting done. Sometimes I just give it a quarter of an hour &ndash based on the theory that I can stand just about anything for 15 minutes. Frequently it is this short thrust that breaks me through.

If I still find myself procrastinating, I review my reasons for setting a goal. To create extra motivation to complete a task, I strengthen the reasons why it should be done. Similarly, many people reward themselves for completing a job.

6. Organize

Organization and time management are linked. I find that I get important things done when I have all the tools I need to perform the job.

The opposite of organization &ndash chaos, clutter, disorganization &ndash generally leads to busy work. If your desk is piled high, every piece of paper says “look at me.” You can end up doing a lot of work without ever getting to the important stuff.

7. Delegate

One way to expand your time is to get others to help you with it. The key to delegation is to hand off any tasks that someone else can do significantly faster or more easily than you can.

If you’re protesting that you don’t have anyone working directly for you to whom you can delegate tasks, no problem. Consider delegating to a peer, a superior, a supplier, or even a customer. Treat delegation like networking: who in your network would be best for the job?

In some cases you will need to invest up-front to train someone so he or she can take over a task from you. The long-term savings are usually worth the up-front time and costs.

After delegation, remember to thank appropriately. You might think people would resent being delegated to, but exactly the opposite is true. People like to be asked, especially if it is to do something that they’re good at.

8. Master efficiency tricks

The best trick I have found is “The Power of While.” What can you do while you drive? While you walk? While you clean? While you watch TV? I am a huge audio tape advocate and frequently listen to tapes while I am doing something else.

Being a techno person, I love all the organization software out there that allows me to keep my contacts, to-do lists and appointments. I also use gadgets such as cellphones, wireless e-mail, and personal digital assistants. Good use of technology can save you valuable time.

9. It’s OK to say no

Saying “No” can be the most powerful time tool you can master. When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself how important this is. Does it help you achieve your goals? Is this a task you would be better at than most people? Don’t always look for reasons to get out of things, but be strategic about what you take on.

This doesn’t mean that I always say no when asked to help out. But if I do say no, I am always polite and tactful, and try to suggest someone else who would do the job well.

10. Focus

Committing 100% focus and concentration on one task at a time can be very powerful. Eliminate distractions. Focus on the task. When you’re properly organized and prepared, when your energy and power are high, you can often complete a task in 20% of the time it would take when you’re distracted or open to interruption.

11. Build your efficiency bank

High efficiency is not possible if you don’t look after yourself. Eat right, exercise, sleep well and drink moderately. Mom knew best: all the things she said were good for you just happen to be best for your efficiency, too.

I also believe meditation can be a great way of building your efficiency. It could be transcendental meditation, Zen, or just finding a way to get into a relaxed state that lets you focus on the task you have to do. No matter how you do it, recharging your batteries gives you the power to do more during the times you need to be at your best.

12. Take care of yourself

It isn’t possible to be “on” all the time. Take the time you need to look after yourself &ndash body and soul &ndash so that you can reach peak efficiency when you need to. Have a list of things you like to do. Find out what activities energize you, and spend more time doing them. This will give you the power and energy to be more productive when you return to work.

Finally, a word of advice. If after reading this far you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, I suggest you go back to Rule 1 and add peace (contentment) to your list of goals. Time management is not about adding stress; it is about giving you the time to be the person you really want to be.

Have you ever had a problem that seemed so stuck and so complicated that you just couldn’t get it straight in your mind? And the more you tried to make sense of it, the more complicated it seemed to get. We’ve all had a problem like that before, and it’s good to know that there are people in the world who make it their business to help others solve problems.

But what happens when the person who is supposed to solve the problems is also confused by the problem? Who helps then?

It’s useful to know that there is a wealth of resources to be had for those who make it their business to help others. At People Building, we have walked in all of those pairs of shoes. We have been that person with a problem, and know how that feels, that urgency to fee open one’s own mind. We have been the therapists helping the client with their problem, and we have even been the therapist who has once in a while listened to a client and thought “heck, what do I do here?” It’s great to be challenged in this way because we accept that no one person has access to all of the possible answers, and accepting this only drives us to discover the answers we haven’t yet got.

Now, we are established as a support network for therapists also. Every week we receive inquiries such as therapists requesting Hypnosis scripts for problems they are unsure of how to tackle, or parents who are interested in our NLP for children programmes, wondering what small steps they can take to encourage their children. And unlike other popular training organisations we do one significant thing differently to other training companies that I approached when I was a therapist, feeling suck about a problem. The most meaningful thing that they do, is that they reply. And when they reply, they will point you in the best direction they know and offer the best suggestions they have. This in itself is unique- that a training company that is busy conducting NLP and hypnotherapy training courses reply to a message for help, let alone that they will help anyone in any way they can, even if that person has never actually trained with them- even if you have trained with a competitor training company.

However, before you go ahead and call or email them, the best point of reference is their website. Here you will find Hypnosis scripts for hypnotherapists, hypnotherapy audio mp3’s and e-books to help you write your own hypnosis scripts, e-book of collections of hypnotherapy scripts and e-books to help quit smoking, improve confidence and relationships. There are also many other resources contained on the site, such as quizzes and personality tests which you might like to try out for yourself or refer you clients to so that they can discover more information about themselves and how their mind operates.

They frequently publish a free hypnosis script in their free fortnightly newsletter, which also contains hint and tips on NLP based techniques that you might like to try out with your clients.