My Essay Blog

This article is about learning to think positive. There are far too many people walking about in a state of gloom and depression. I have to admit that I was one of these people until I managed to turn my whole life around at the age of twenty-two by taking a different approach. I hope you find the article beneficial and enjoyable to read.

From around the age of eleven when I started high school to the age of twenty-two I was not exactly a happy person. One person actually mentioned that I walked around like I had the weight of the world and its problems on my shoulders.

I was always looking at other people in my class for example and thought that they were so much luckier than I was. They did not seem to have half of the problems that I did. I was jealous of them as they were seemingly cruising through life where as it was one huge struggle for me.

You may be wondering what my troubles were. I had a stutter which had affected me from the age of four. Stuttering put a huge dent in my confidence and made me withdraw into my shell.

I had a weight problem which was mainly caused by comfort eating when I was depressed. Since birth, I have had a bald patch on my head, it is not a large area of baldness, however it was big enough for people to notice and mock me. I was always the shortest person in the class and for a male I am well below the average height at five-foot four.

At the age of eighteen, I was having a conversation with one of friends who is called John. John was one of the people I had always been jealous of for many different reasons. On this particular evening we were both fairly drunk and John had became quite emotional. During our conversation he told me that his father was an alcoholic and that at certain times when he arrived home worse for wear that he would hit his mom. He was very worried about this and was not sure what to do.

Over the next few years, I found out aspects of other people’s lives in my circle of friends, which I had not been aware of. The issues I had were very visible, where as their problems had been hidden and kept secret.

I have become more and more interested in world affairs since the age of about twenty. Certain events from around the world have really shocked and I find it hard to imagine how I would cope living it various countries. I am now very grateful that I was born in the UK.

I have learnt that we all have problems and that in most cases there is always people worse off than ourselves. I now try to think in a much more positive way and am very happy with the cards I have been dealt.

I’ve spoken to quite a few people over the years who say they have very nice clothes they love but the don’t wear them anymore.

But my question is this: If you value something so much…then don’t you think you should be wearing it?

The reality is we are a society who likes to accumulate and, dating back to the Great Depression, we tend to keep everything we believe has monetary value when, in reality, it really doesn’t.

For example, a pretty dress or a nice suit you bought ten years ago went for what can be considered a lot of money.

And the problem is you haven’t touched it in nine years because, as most clothes do, it went out of style.

Could it come back in style someday? Maybe. Styles do often return.

But this is not a reason to hold onto things you don’t use…”just in case.”

You feel like, because you spent “good” money on it, you are throwing money away. But ask yourself this… is it putting money in your pocket sitting there in the back of your closet with dust on the shoulders?

Is it giving you anything? Do you benefit at all from keeping outdated outfits?

Now ask yourself one more question… will you gain anything by getting rid of it and donating it to charity?

Of course you will!

The benefits?

More space to be able to keep the clothes you are going to wear (we only wear 50% of the clothes we own, by the way.)

I might even suggest buying a new outfit for every three to five you get rid of.

The purpose?

Because new clothes make people feel good. I don’t recommend buying new clothes for the sake of buying new clothes and throwing away your money. But you’ve got to admit putting on a new pair of pants that make us look better is a nice, uplifting feeling.

The thing is the items taking up space, yes, you paid for them.

But by keeping something you no longer wear or use you are not getting anything in return but more clutter and a lack of storage space you could be using for something else.

Here is something you should do right now with items (they don’t have to be clothes) you are holding onto because you paid good money for them.

1. Go find ten items you own for one reason and one reason only… because you paid for it.

2. Grab a piece of paper and make three columns.

3. Write the items you are having trouble getting rid of in the left column. In the middle column, write “why I am keeping this item” and in the third column write “what will I gain by getting rid of this item.”

My guess is you will have a lot more in the right column than you will in the middle.

Be specific with both.

If you can honestly fill up the middle column with more reasons of why you should keep it, and they are good, legitimate reasons, then maybe you shouldn’t get rid of it.

But I’m willing to bet that won’t be the case.

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a “nice guy” and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn’t realize is that his niceness was really a “pull” on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.

Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.

Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany’s fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack’s fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany’s behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than “nice” to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, “Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I’d rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn’t feel good.”

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

Assuming the Responsibilities that come with Being a Coach

Who can forget the famous line of Peter Parker (Spiderman’s grandfath0065r)? He said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Society expects Spiderman &ndash a comic book, TV and movie superhero with extraordinary powers &ndash to be responsible for saving his town and the world from the forces of Evil. And he never let us down. Despite the temptations of owning such powers, he uses his abilities only for the good of the people around him.

Being a coach has similar parallels. They don’t have superhuman powers such as x-ray vision or flying through the air with magic “sticky ropes”. But great coaches can have real power through their abilities to help others &ndash and with it, the responsibility &ndash to guide others towards success. This is REAL power that can be used to help real people in THIS world. Done well, coaches can help others turn around their lives. Done wrong, and a coach could guide a client down the wrong path.

So, with this power to coach your clients towards manifesting their personal and/or business vision comes responsibilities. Great coaches assume them all as part of the professional responsibility. This can include everything from making sure your client is moving in the right direction, getting them back on course when they are not, and developing and tracking their use of exercises to help them along the way.

There are a few things you can do to be a more responsible coach. Just as important, these same skills can be imparted to your clients to help them lead more responsible, integrity-filled lives.

How to Bring out the more Responsible “You” in Yourself and your Client

#1 - Develop self-awareness.

Learn and know your own strengths and weaknesses to be able to view your behavior objectively. Recognize your shortcomings, receive feedback, and make changes when necessary. The more self-aware you become of all your aspects, the more you will know what kind of clients you can coach best and &ndash just as important &ndash those best referred to others.

Dr. Gerard Bell, business consultant and professor at the University of North Carolina in

Chapel Hill, advises us on how to expand our self-knowledge. He said, “Study yourself closely and practice self-assessment techniques to learn how you behave, and the effects you have on others. As others for their option, feedback, and suggestions to become a better coach.”

The lesson is simple: the more we grow, the more we can offer, and the more we can help others.

#2: Learn to Separate Responsibility from Worry

When we hear the word “responsibility”, we often think to ourselves, “Another task, another problem.” However, responsibility is not about worrying over things give to us to work out. Consider this story:

One night at the end of the second shift, the Head of Operations walked out of the plant he managed and passed a porter. A porter he passed said, “Mr. Smith, I sure wish I had your pay. But I wouldn’t want the worry that goes with it.”

Mr. Smith answered, “I give the best I can when I am here. But I drop the worry when I leave so I can be 100% with my family when I’m at home.”

You, too, can learn to give your best to challenging work, but then “leave it at the door” when you’re off-hours. Worrying accomplishes nothing except to eat away at us, and actually ends up making us less effective! Don’t let worry taint your clarity of judgment and ability to take decisive action. You can learn this as you grow.

Carrying the responsibility of coaching should not intimidate you. It is the ability to help others that coaching is all about. Embrace the responsibilities that come with it.

Nothing is gained by worrying about whether your clients achieve their goals or not. Focus on supporting and inspiring them. Be their partner in their growth. Brainstorm with them when it is called for. But ultimately, it is your client’s responsibility to assume responsibility for accomplishing their goals. You merely help them see and achieve this state.

#3: Take Calculated Risks and Learn from Your Mistakes

Effective coaches have the courage to ask their clients to take risks when results and success are uncertain. A willing ness to risk failure is a core attribute of all successful people.

As a coach you can help your clients work with risk and possible failure. Help them learn to analyze their situation and options. Work with them to list the pros and cons for each option, then assign each choice a risk factor rating from 1 to 5. Next, have them determine the likelihood of each occurring. This will help them quantify and manage the risk-taking process.

Also, lead them to a better paradigm regarding failure. What is failure other than great feedback that our current course of action isn’t the right path? Use this information for course correction. Failure doesn’t happen until we give up. If you don’t give up, then failure isn’t an option.

#4: Own and admit our mistakes

Our greatest lessons and growth come through our mistakes. Everyone makes them; it is part of life. Help your client understand this, and they will be able to draw the necessary lessons and take corrective action. If we do the “blame game”, we don’t even take the first step (ownership) in this process.

Not only does owning our mistakes and failures help us to be more truthful and powerful in our own lives. Owning and assuming responsibility for them lets others see the integrity and virtue within us, and hence further gain their respect.

For over three centuries, the Chinese people have found in Feng Shui the source for of internal and external balance and harmony. We all are searching for a little harmony in our life. Today’s fast-paced life assails all our senses with demands and expectations. Stress, anxiety and tension accumulate as the ongoing demands of work and family, home and free time push us to the very brink. Pushed and pulled by the equally demanding expectations of boss and family. Driven to the end of our rope by the increasing demands of life, the bills and everyday battles we push our own hopes and dreams into the background. Everyday, another e-mail, phone call or traffic jam, pushes us to the limit. In this environment, energy is fast depleted and tension dramatically increased. How to escape this self-perpetuating treadmill? Turn your home into a peaceful sanctuary by utilizing the techniques of Feng Shui.

The concept behind Feng Shui is to harness positive energy. Using the guiding principles, you can identify the difficulties within your physical environment and remove them. While, this may appear to be another project, consider the short and long term benefits. Feng Shui, once learned and applied will provide you with relief from stress increase your personal energy levels and help you to improve your overall sense of well-being. Time learning the correct implementation of the principles of Feng Shui is time well spent.

A life in which energy is unfocused, prevented by the stress of the environment, a life in which all efforts seem wasted, is a life unbalanced, a life without Feng Shui. The accumulation of ongoing stress will, eventually, manifest itself in the physical body. Stress releases specific hormones ion the body. An overabundance of cortisol and adrenaline can contribute to heart disease and other chronic illnesses. The immune system, too, becomes affected, increasing the incidences of colds and flus.

To avoid such possible problems, rest is traditionally prescribed. The ability of sleep to improve your energy levels is magnified- truly heightened, when Feng Shui is employed. Feng Shui will show you how to correctly align your bedroom to obtain the maximum amount of good. It will guide you in the placement of your bed and council you on what accessories are required to reduce stress and increase energy.

The principles of Feng Shui are predicated on obtaining the maximum positive energy. It acts to counteract the negative impact of daily and repetitive stress and anxiety. These negative forces sap the life energy from you. Feng Shui operates to restore your energy, reduce your stress levels and create a positive environment by showing you how to arrange your physical environment to facilitate the flow of Chi energy. Learning how to place objects and arrange your spatial environment to manifest optimum positive energy flow, will help you in all aspects of your life. A Feng Shui designed home will ensure you are provided with the positive energy and harmonious balance you require to not merely live, but thrive in today’s world.

The most common problem most people have with getting rid of clutter and getting organized is not knowing how to begin or where to get started.

So it gets put off until…later.

Of course, the reasons are usually decent.

For one, there’s a lot going on in our lives. We go in so many directions and there never seems to be enough time to get anything done.

And it’s easier to put organizing off because you think it’ll take up too much time right now.

The other priorities — like eating and sleeping (minor things, right?) of course take first on the list.

But getting organized doesn’t have to take a lot of time every single day.

And if you don’t start getting organized, even just a little bit at a time, there are some very real negative affects that, well, could kill you.

A little drastic… I know.

But the affect clutter and disorganization has on your health is very, very real.

It adds stress to your already busy life.

It sucks away your energy and makes you tired.

In many people, it increases the symptoms of depression.

But enough of the negative stuff!

Here’s how we can benefit from being organized and getting rid of clutter…

-More sleep.

-A better mood every day.

-Better relationships.

-Easier house management.

-Your bills get paid on time.

-More space.

-More time to do things you actually enjoy!

This is all very real stuff and getting organized should not be put on the back burner any longer.

But I know…it’s still too easy to put it off for “later.”

I will admit, the here and now makes it easier to pile things on the counter, on chairs and tables or toss things in closets and drawers.

It’s too easy to put things down and ignore my simple and important rule of “touch it once.”

Though, like I said earlier…clutter can be deadly.

No joke.

Back in January of this year a 62 year old woman from Washington was found dead under nearly six feet of dishes, boxes and “clutter” that apparantly collapsed on her.

A very sad, and very drastic story.

Take this poor woman’s life back about thirty years. How many days went by when she procrastinated and said she would “get to it tomorrow.”

Now I hope your situation is not as drastic but reality is reality. And unless you get things under control right away, you just don’t know what a disorganized house can lead to.

At the very least I bet you’re feeling stressed and a little frustrated with a real desire to simplify your life at home.

It’s not a lot to ask, is it?

And we all know stress is not good.

But maybe your situation isn’t so out-of-control, and you just want to get rid of clutter and get your things in order.

Or you need to manage papers better because once in a while you forget to pay a bill that was sitting somewhere in a pile (because you don’t have a real system for your bills — which you need.)

No big deal, right?

After all, what’s a $5 payment here or a $35 late fee there?

It adds up.

So how ’bout you take a step towards ending clutter in your home and getting organized…before it kills you?

I swim most mornings at the community pool and then, if there’s time, reward myself with a soak in the hot tub. It’s a great tub with room for four or five people, the water is really hot, and you can turn the bubbles on or off. My favorite soak is when I’m alone and the water is still. I sit quietly and enjoy the serenity before my day begins.

One recent morning my hot tub equanimity was interrupted when two people got in, turned on the bubbles, and began a loud, agitated conversation.

I thought, “Why don’t they just enjoy the hot tub &ndash the soothing hot water, the relaxation? They’re missing this extraordinary moment.” The noisy conversation took them (and me) away from the opportunity to be in the here and now.

Thinking about it later, I realized I do the same thing. As I go about my daily life, I carry on a continual internal conversation that is often agitated and loud. Some familiar remonstrations:

Do it this way, not like that.”

“That was dumb! What were you thinking?”

“Hurry up, you’ve got to get to that meeting. You’re going to be late.”

“Why did you say THAT?!”

So I’ve started a new practice. When I notice these voices, I stop and find my center — that quiet, soothing place I go to in the hot tub — and I try to remember that I carry it with me all the time. Then I suggest to myself that I sink in and enjoy it.

Don’t wait for the hot tub. Find your center now and sink in.

Free hypnosis scripts are a cheap way to help to reprogram your sub conscious mind. With free hypnosis scripts, you can reduce stress, improve your confidence and lose weight.

Free hypnosis scripts are just as effective as paid ones, putting your body into a relaxed state, which allows you to explore places in your sub conscious that other wise would be un-reachable.

The natives called this a spiritual journey. To reach this inner place, the natives would to great lengths. The Natives would go out alone, not eat and even go as far as inflicting bodily harm upon themselves to reach this inner place.

The Christians use prayer to reach a deep place within their subconscious. Letting God be a catalyst to their inner self.

The Buddhist reached this place by calming themselves, and meditating for long periods of time.

In modern times, science has found more effective ways to reach this place without religion or self injury. Sit yourself down in a comfortable chair with a warm coffee and a blanket on a cold day or an ice tea beside a fan on a warm one. Relax, take a deep breath and let your troubles slip in the abyss.

Let your imagination run wild. See the words as they enter your mind. As you read the free hypnosis script, let yourself become entranced by it. Let the script tell your sub conscious a story, a story about how things could be done. Slowly you will feel the chances creeping into you, becoming part of you.

A free hypnosis script could be a great thing for a new couple or a new couple who is looking to try new things. Hypnosis could be a way to spend time and relax together or it could be used as an introduction to role playing. Hypnosis and role playing can revive a relationship, those who play together, stay together.

My oldest son and I watched a movie from his great collection “Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.” There is a great quote in the movie which I was eager to use this week where Kevin Costner playing Robin Hood says, “Nobility is not a birth-right; it is defined by one’s actions.”

The term “Nobility” refers to people who were “known” or “notable” and the word was applied to the highest social classes in medieval times. One had to be born into families of the upper classes to be considered a noble. Because those of nobility were also wealthy, they could afford the best of everything the world had to offer including education. Those who were noble were expected to act noble. But as is the case with all societies throughout history, those of noble birth seldom acted nobly.

In the classic movie Robin Hood, a once young prince of such a noble class found himself imprisoned by the enemy in Jerusalem for fighting on England’s side in the holy wars. After escaping he returned home only to find his property and family destroyed by the greedy sheriff of Nottingham who has misused his appointment to gain riches in the King’s absence. Robin of Locksley soon gathers a group of peasant farmers willing to fight and Robin along with his companions begins a campaign of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and winds up confronting the larger than life philosophical issue concerning the meaning of nobility.

The movie makes for great entertainment as my son would surely know as he has only the best of best movies in his collection. The quote in the movie which concerns itself with people’s actions, is the epitome of the movie in my humble opinion. The way we act towards one another should be of vital interest for us all. The term nobility has many definitions. In Robin Hood, Costner’s character shows us what nobility really is as he portrays the actions of a true noble throughout the movie. I believe this is why the story of Robin Hood has such universal appeal. We have, all of us, born within us a secret yearning for excellence of being. That is what nobility should be; a principle, a way of acting that sets high standards.

Nobility is not a class of people; it is people with class. It is action of a higher order. It is embodied in what the Greeks called “Arete”. It is the notion of personal excellence. It is the act of living up to one’s full potential. Nobility is what the great Greeks philosophers interpreted as virtue. From Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, II vi 15, “virtue (or nobility) is a settled disposition of the mind determining the choice of actions and emotions, consisting essentially in the observance of the mean relative to us, this being determined by principle, that is, as the prudent man would determine it.”

Don’t let the lush language used here confuse you as to the simple meaning of nobility. Nobility means living the best you can in what ever circumstance you find yourself. In Robin Hood, Costner’s character exhibited behavior of an excellent nature. He was kind, yet he was not afraid to fight for what is right. He was not condescending towards others but was considerate. He was chivalrous and meek, yet he was bold and self asserting. He was a man’s man. He was a woman’s man.

What we should derive from the story of Robin Hood is that humankind should strive to be excellent in all that we do. If sales is your occupation, are you ethical in what we do for customers? If you are a physician, do you treat your patients in the best possible way exhibiting excellence in your bed-side manner? If you are a teacher, do you strive to teach so that students will understand you easily? If you are a judge, do you put prejudice aside when you are judging a case in court? If you are a psychologist or therapist, do you practice confidentiality and do you seek the patient’s best interest at all times? As a parent, are you patient with your children and do you treat your children with respect? As a spouse, are you honorable in the way you treat your spouse? All these questions can be summarized using one; do you seek excellence in all that you do?

It is a mind set. It is not one action. It affects all your actions. It is a way of being. If you seek this way of living, you will see many doors of opportunity open for you. You will have the power of the universe on your side. You will be tested though because we live in a world that is for the most part exactly opposite of excellence or nobility. Nobility is a journey you will never regret. You will be empowered when you begin to live the life of nobility; and you put yourself in the best place to acquire wealth and success if you strive to live a life of excellence. It is my goal and desire and I hope it is yours too.